Damages
by Kitiara445
Summary: Bella Swan is drowning in a strange new world. Doubt, Fear & Solitude surround her. Does a new friendship offer hope? Or has too much damage been  done?
1. Prologue

Damages

Prologue

_I sat up, looking around. Expecting to hear stirring. Perhaps a cry or whimper. Nothing. I looked at the clock. 3:15 AM. This was right around the time he would wake up. I lazily swung my legs over the edge of my bed and pulled myself to a walking position. I walked sleepily to his bed and looked down in. His round face and bright eyes peered up to me. He smiled sheepishly and said, "Ba ba." He thrusts his bottle up at me. I smile despite myself, and shuffle off to the kitchen to get him more milk. _

_As tired and exhausted as I am I feel completely at ease and even happy as I calmly pour his soy milk into a cup and then slowly screw the cap back on. It didn't matter how tired I was. Or would be. He was worth every second of exhaustion._

Upon return, my eyes adjust to the dimly lit room. I start to walk over to his crib and look down. I hiss out of alarm and fear and take a step back. No crib, no bottle, no blanket, ___**No Baby**____. __I swallowed hard, twice and blinked my eyes. Only a dresser. A plain black wooden dresser my friends had helped me move into my bedroom. After it had happened. _

_I look at my hand and see my Aquafina water bottle in it. The water bottle is shaking in my hand. I bit my lip. This one was really bad. Taking a deep breath, I whispered to myself, "Its ok. It happens to everyone. I will not cry. It's normal. It's healthy." My face scrunches as I lose the battle with my inner psyche and my tear ducts and only when I fall into the corner backed against the wall, eyes screwed shut tight, does the rain begin to pour. _


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

My name is Isabella Swan. Bella, to my friends, Bells to family members. And up until 3 months ago, I was a mommy. Of sorts. The story of how I came to be a "mom" is rather sad, but true.

Have you ever known an alcoholic? A true to life, no holds-barred alcoholic? A **FUNCTIONING** alcoholic? I have. And if you don't know the difference between a functioning and non-functioning alcoholic, allow me to enlighten you.

A non-functioning alcoholic is someone who, after years of intake still cannot hold their drink. These people are sloppy, messy, usually un-employed and no better off than a drug addict in ways of how and when they will get their next fix. In other words, instead of calling them "non-functioning", most people just call them a drunk. Plain and simple.

A fully-functioning alcoholic is someone who can wake up in the morning and drink Jim Beam straight from a paper cup. Or hell, out of the bottle will do. They don't care. Then they light a cigarette, take a shower, get ready for work and go to a job. They have their morning coffee with a splash of liquor in it. They have liquor stashed in every flask, bottle, large cup anywhere they can get away with looking like they constantly carry iced tea around. They do their job, usually to a "T". They visit with people, DRINK their lunch (the smarter ones usually eat as well, knowing the food will only help them drink more and be able to hold it longer without getting sick if they can keep from falling asleep). Then they go home from work and take care of their kids (more people than not have children or husbands) and drink themselves slowly into an oblivion and by the end of the day after all is said and done its time to go to bed but that's ok with them, by then they are ready for full-on pass out mode. Some piss the bed, some don't. Then the alarm clock goes off in the morning and they do it all over again. Most days they awaken with puffy eyes, burst veins in their eyes, puffy ruddy faces and just overall BLAH look. Women, at least, have make-up to help them but men, well; it's just obvious to everyone what's wrong with them.

My sister, Victoria was a functioning alcoholic. Everything I just described was her life. And it was ok. With her. She believed that since she could still take her kids to daycare and still vacuums her house, pick up dry cleaning, drive everyday back and forth to work without wrecking her mini-van that it was ok. She believed that since she could FUNCTION in an alcohol induced haze that it was alright. It wasn't.

Victoria made it through her life slowly but surely in drunken stupor. She still fixed dinner every night for her family, still took her babies to daycare, still made sure her husband's clothing was ironed. She was PERFECT. I would often think about her sitting in her two-story home with its huge wrap-around porch, and her lovely but unique furniture and all the beautiful paintings on the wall. Priceless. Everything in her home was freezing cold and beautiful. Much like her personality. Even though, in my heart of hearts, I knew all she had to hold onto was the drink, I almost pitied her for not realizing she had more. Her children, mainly. No one bothered to think it was wrong for Seth or Leah to be looked after by a drunk. Even James, her dumb-as-nuts husband, who knew good and well what was happening, still did nothing to stop it. The one time I had TRIED to speak to him about it, I was told not only to mind my own business but that I couldn't possibly know anything about married life, having never been married myself. This was true. It still didn't deter me from my opinion. And the fact that I WASN'T married nor had children made me even more upset about the fact that she was clearly taking advantage of the fact that SHE DID have those things. It wasn't fair! To be quite honest, it pissed me off.

Eventually, karma came for her. Four years and twenty-three months after the birth of her children, fate dealt her a bad hand. Victoria and James had gone out for the evening. Her drinking on the way of course, him driving, so that hadn't been so bad. I waved them out of the driveway from their porch, pulling my sweater tightly over my shoulders, feeling a cold premonition's gaze upon me. Shivering, I went inside to spend time with my niece and nephew.

Seth was only 23 months old. He would be 2 next month, November, on the 24th. He was so cute. He was small and didn't have much hair but had plenty of girth to him. His round sweet face was always smiling and his eyes shone bright constantly, alerting others to his constant state of happiness. Seth could always be trusted to elicit a smile from even the coldest personalities. The main one being his own mother. Leah was another story. 4 years old and studious already. Her dark brown eyes were always round and wide with an adult alert gaze, letting others know she was either observing and learning or studying. Sponge that she was she took in all the information she could. Her serious personality was clearly a trait from my sister, down to the almost cold and adult formality she used to greet you. She was very mature for her age but almost a bit too serious. Always inquisitive though. Always wanting to know why when and where. Ah, that was good for a child though. She would need to learn and know later on.

In truth, I loved spending time with them. I walked across their beautiful but chilly museum of a home, Seth on my hip, Leah walking next to me, always gazing up at me in wonder. When I encouraged them to play, I would chase Seth down the foyer hallway and turn to Leah as well, only to be greeted with a sullen shake of her head, her light brown curls bobbing in agreement: "Momma says we aren't suppose to run in the house."

I lithely scooped her up in my arms and said loudly, "Well Momma isn't here, is she! Aunt Bella is!" Despite herself, giggles erupted from my beautiful niece's mouth as I swung her high in the air. I so wanted this. Children. Laughter. A family. A home of my own this beautiful, a good husband that loved his children and didn't cloak me in insecurity that would breed bad habits'. I wanted so much for myself, for them, for everything. Right now, being a student and so young and having little or no experience in real life, all I could birth at the moment was hope. But I had it. It fluttered within me constantly, a small grey bird seeking a way to be born. I was breeding it gently, caring for it, ready for it to erupt when all my plans were complete. Finish college. Find a good job. Buy my own home. Buy a nicer car. Meet Mr. Wonderful. I was ready for a whole life of my own, to work for what I could, and be proud and bask in my accomplishments. I had no idea that karma was about to deal not only a difficult hand to my sister, but to me as well. My sun-drenched world was about to close on me.

Sometime well after 12:30 PM, after I had put the kids in bed and picked up popcorn, candy wrappers, and socks off the floor, I switched off the DVD player. If I had to hear SpongeBob Square pants one more time….Not sure I would survive that. But I knew they loved it, so hey, it was my job to indulge, right? I sat on the couch and made myself comfortable, leaning back on the pillows. I pulled my blackberry from the pocket of my jeans, checking to make sure I had no missed calls or texts. They had said no later than midnight but then again, this is the queen lush of lush's making promises….It couldn't be discounted to think maybe they were just running late. Running drunk was probably more like it. I settled my head back on my pillow and slowly drifted off to sleep.

Sometime later I awoke to an ear splitting cry in the night. I sat up quickly. Shaking my head and trying to adjust the dim lamp light in the room I jerked my cell out to check the time. 4:30? What the hell? Now was cause for alarm. And alarm did go off, in the form of my nephew wailing for something to drink from his room. Jumping off the couch I sprinted to the stairs. Upon entering the room I walk into Seth's room and see him standing up in his crib. Thank God I remembered to put his slats up high. I didn't think he could get out but then again, boys love to climb. _Wow_, I thought in my drowsy state_, I'm not too bad at this parental stuff! _I picked a pajama clad Seth up and carried him down to the kitchen. Grabbing a Sippy cup I fill it with milk and handed it to him. His eyes lighting up but his gaze still sleepy, he smiles a small smile at me and gulped his milk.

"There," I soothe. "All better?" My only response is his eyes beginning to dim again. I picked him up in his arms and carried him gently to his bedroom. As I climb the stairs I hear a contented sigh come from him and then feel his little body relax as his head falls on my shoulder. Asleep already. So sweet. After laying him back in his crib, I walk out of his room, closing his door quietly behind me. I'm almost to the top of the stairs to head down when I hear a doorknob turning.

"Aunt Bella?" a small voice pipes up. I turn around and walk over to Leah's room. She is standing outside the door, clutching a Tinkerbell blanket.

Rubbing her eyes slowly she says, "Where is Momma? And Daddy?" I leaned down and quietly scoop her up into my arms. Gently balancing her on my hips I smile at her. "They're not home yet pumpkin….not too much longer, they should be here."

Yawn. "Oh." She smiles sleepily at me.

"But you should be in bed sweet pea." She nods slowly and I carry her into her room. After tucking her back into her bed I turn to leave to get her a glass of water.

In her curious but sleepy voice she says, "Where are you going?"

I turned around and smiled at her. "To get you a drink of water baby, I figure it will help you sleep."

She sits up suddenly, her small arm shooting down to the side of her bed. I start squinting to be sure I am seeing correctly. Was she holding a water bottle? "I already have a drink in here." She said.

She unscrews the cap and takes a small swig. She then offers the bottle to me. "Um…no thank you Hun." I sat down on the edge of her bed. "Leah…." She looked up at me before lying back on her pillow. "Honey, why do you have a water bottle under your bed?" I stare at her curiously waiting for an answer. It's not that she had a water bottle in her room but why was it under her bed that was plaguing me.

She shrugged and then yawned again. "Mommy doesn't ever wake up when I need a drink. So I took it. From the kitchen." She looked at my from under her heavy lidded eyes, clearly seeking sleep again.

I nodded sadly and got up took tuck her in. I kissed her small sweet forehead and said, "Such a smart girl. I love you so much." Her small breaths came even and slowly so I knew she was back asleep. I left the room quietly and shut the door. I walked back down the stairs and was about to settle back on the couch when a loud knocking began on the front door.

Jumping and startled, the first thing that runs through my mind ridiculously is Edgar Allen Poe. The Raven. A poem memorized in 11th grade as an English Lit project.

_While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, as of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.  
`'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -  
Only this, and nothing more.'_

Is that what this was? A stranger at the door? Or a raven? Sent for what reason? At 4:30 AM someone banging on my sisters door didn't exactly ease my mind. I walked steadily to the door and when I got to it I just said, "Yeah. Hold on." I grabbed my cell again, ready to dial 911 at the first sign of bad teeth or the sound of a chainsaw starting. I opened the door slightly first with the chain on.

"Ma'am…" Came a southern sounding drawl. After peering out and deciding it was neither friend, foe, nor Raven at my chamber door, I undid the chain lock. I open the door to a State Trooper.

This is almost too much. I feel the floor shift beneath me. I sucked my breath in and pulled my hoodie more tightly around my shoulders. That cold chilling breath on the back of my neck had returned. Only now, it was inside the house. "Ma'am…may we please come in?" Instead of speaking aloud, I simply opened the door wider and then shut it behind them. Another trooper had filed in behind this one. I thought maybe I should feel afraid at having 2 strange men in my sister's home at 4:30 AM, thinking it could be a ruse or a horrid joke. But all I can feel is the floor shaking beneath me and my stomach tightening sickly. I clenched my fists and glared at them.

"Ma'am," He starts again. _If you call me ma'am one more time…I'll scream. So help me I will! _

"Yes?" I asked through clenched teeth.

"We hate to bother you so late, but this is the home of a Mr. and Mrs. James Bennett, is that correct?" I nodded curtly. "Is there anyone else present in the home at this time?" I swallowed hard and my eyes darted up the staircase. Following my gaze, the officer nodded. "Who is home ma'am?"

Turning my eyes back to him I said, "Their children. My niece and nephew. They are sleeping. I'm Bella, Victoria's sister. Can you please just get to the point?" I know, I know I know I'm being so hateful to these tired men. I feel the bitterness building in my mouth like venom.

"Ma'am, we hate to be the bearer of bad news. But we have just come from an accident on highway 101. I'm afraid Mr. and Mrs. Bennett were involved." My breath is coming in faster breaths now. It almost seemed shallower. I clutched my jacket tighter and just nod. They both remove their hats. A bad sign. "I'm afraid Mr. Bennett was killed on the scene. " He said softly. I let out a high sigh. It's almost a scoff. I glance up to their eyes. Tired but kind.

"And my sister?" I ask in a rough voice.

"Victoria Bennett survived, but has multiple injuries and has been taken to Olympic Medical Center." I breathed out a sigh of relief. The floor doesn't seem to be shaking beneath me now but my knees are feeling weak. "Mrs. Bennett was very, uh, inebriated when she was loaded in to the ambulance….it appears as though, by some awful mistake, she was driving." He cleared his throat and continued on, "We are actually quite shocked at her survival, but the paramedics on the scene think perhaps her drunken state may have helped her."

My head snaps up at this new information. I close my eyes so tightly I can feel my head shaking. "Just….Just tell me what to do. Please." I can barely spit the word out. I can feel anger overpowering the weak arms of hurt, concern or pain for my sister's carelessness that just got her husband killed. That just left her children fatherless. Oh it was indeed a Raven rapping on my chamber door.

"Well, we may need to call CPS, that's Child Protective Services in, or perhaps a willing relative. To come see about the children." He cleared his throat again.

Despite my demeanor and anger, I can feel tears streaking down my face. "I **AM** a willing relative. You do not need to call CPS. My parents can come here too. They will not be left alone."

He cleared his throat again. "Well, ma'am, it IS procedure if both parents are unable to return to the children at the time of an accident." He is looking doubtfully at my carefully controlled reaction.

I force my frozen lips to move. "Please. Just go. Send someone in the morning if you have to. Just go."

He handed me a card and said, "Please call us when we can have someone come down to uh, assist your family in this time of need." His line sounds rehearsed and ridiculous. I nodded curtly and felt the numbness begin to set in.

After the door clicks shut, I stood in the hallway alone in the light. I wanted to cry. I wanted to drop to my knees and pray that my sister would be healed. I wanted to call my parents. But I could do none of those things; I could feel none of the pain, no panic, nothing. All I could hear in my ears and mind was my own thin, echoing, 11th grade voice.

"_Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,  
`Sir,' said I, `or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;  
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,  
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,  
That I scarce was sure I heard you' - here I opened wide the door; -  
Darkness there, and nothing more."_

So upon hearing of the death of my brother-in-law and the almost-death of my sister, what say I?

Darkness there and nothing more.


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

It seems only a second later that I am in an entirely different room. I look up and squint at the fluorescent lights. Only one place I know has lights this bright and annoying. The hospital. I squint again and reach for my cell phone. Tapping the front screen, I groan inwardly. Great, dead battery. Closing my eyes, I try and remember exactly how I got to this exact seat in this exact place. All I can recall at this second in time is the State Troopers coming to Victoria's door and then a brief call to my mother's house, to alert her. A car ride here. Watching a neighbor standing on the porch of Victoria's house, as a taxi pulls away. Much the way I had watched her pull away just hours before.

"It's 12:36." A voice from behind me says.

Looking up, I see my mom standing there. "Mother." I said the unease sinking into my belly. It's not so much uncomfortable as it is forced. We don't have the best relationship. I love her, she loves me but sometimes, you can love someone and just not like them as a person. I turn my head from the awkward silence between us and sigh. More and more I don't want to be here. I want to go back and check on my niece and nephew. I want to explain to them what's happening, so that the horrid neighbor lady doesn't scare the crap out of them.

"You were watching Seth and Leah." She stated.

Numbly, I nod my head.

"What were you thinking, letting her drive away from her own home drunk, with her children in your care?"

I sit in stunned silence. I am more of an automatic reactor to emotions. I'm a slave to first instincts, usually acting on exactly what I feel in the moment and thinking about the consequences later. I took a deep breath. "Mother, Victoria is 35 years of age. She is a grown woman. I am not her parent nor responsible for anything she says or does. And in case you were not informed earlier, Victoria is a _DRUNK_."

The word DRUNK is spat out viciously. I can hear rather than feel the quick breeze as my mother comes up to stand directly in front of me. She moves quickly, quietly.

"How dare you!" She hissed through her lips. "Your sister is lying in a hospital bed DYING and you have the NERVE to make accusations like this! At a time like THIS. What is the matter with you Bella? Don't you CARE about anyone besides yourself?"

Her voice is borderline screech. Any normal person would probably say to themselves, "Well, it's just the stress and worry of the situation."

But it's not. I know it's not. My mother is just a tightly-wound spring coil of a woman, who is unhappy with her lot in life, HAS been un-happy for so long, hateful and bitter feelings are all she knows. Happiness, love, laughter and close family are unknown territory to her. She has been this way for years. She probably will always be this way. I'm use to this behavior, the unstable outbursts. And when this type of thing happens with her, deep down in a place almost unknown to me, I know why my sister drinks and almost…envy her escape from reality and the memories of our grueling childhood.

Glaring at my mother straight in her face, my voice is tight, hardly a whisper. "Get out of my face MOTHER. I don't even know why I called you here. But you're NOT helping anything. And she isn't DYING." I stand to look her straight in the eye.

Her face is so close to me now I can smell the cigarettes on her breath. Lipstick is smeared on her teeth. Her mouth is wound tightly. Sucking in a deep breath, she walks away.

Suddenly, a doctor appears from around a corner. "Mrs. Swan?"

"Yes?" My mother is calm now; the Public Mrs. Swan is here.

_See ya Cybil, _I think blithely to myself.

"I'm Dr. Brant Green. I would like to discuss the extent of Victoria's injuries…" Papers shuffling. "She has suffered multiple injuries. She has a broken collarbone, her right arm and leg is broken and she has some broken ribs. The broken leg will require physical therapy. Her neck is very sore, I'm sure severe whiplash. She had a scalp laceration that required stitches and some internal bleeding, but we got that stopped. She appears to have no other major head or brain trauma, but we were very concerned with her blood alcohol level. It appears she had quite a bit to drink. Which…" he paused and squinted at the papers, as if trying to decipher how to decode his next sentence.

"Which almost…made her injuries more…bearable, shall we say?"

My mother's confused look wears him down.

"She was so intoxicated her body was very relaxed, making it…easier for her to adjust in the wreckage."

As painful as it is to hear this, I roll my eyes upward and think, _Wow, even when she drinks she does it right._

My mother sucked in a deep breath.

"She will be fine, "Dr. Green continued. "But we would like to keep her awhile for observation; she is heavily sedated and sleeping now." He gets up to walk away, then turns quickly on his heels and leans down towards us. "She has no idea that her husband has passed. When she is coherent enough…I suggest you tell her." He turns to walk away again.

My mother jumped up so quickly I thought she would dissipate into smoke. Or maybe that was just wishful thinking.

"Wait! Dr. Green! Isn't that uh, the hospital's responsibility? To tell the patient that?"

He looks at my mother confused. "Well…no, not when there is family readily available to inform the patient themselves. It seems more comforting to hear it directly from a well-known family member." With this he firmly walks away, letting us know the conversation is over.

"Well." I can feel her hateful gaze on me. "You will just have to tread lightly when you tell her, Bella."

I gasped. "Me! Are you fucking kidding me?"

"ISABELLA. Language. " Ugh. The dreaded full name. Well at least I didn't hear the word MARIE.

"**MOTHER**, it should not be **UP TO ME** to tell her this." I sit and concentrate for a second. "We should tell her together."

My mother flashed me a stern look. "I am going to have a smoke. You can do as you wish, but I will not be a part of that…cruelty."

"Mother. It's cruel NOT to tell her. Please, I will need your help on this."

The only answer I received was the click of my mother's high heels walking away from me at the end of the hall. I sat back down slowly, running my hands through my hair. Although her reaction is of no surprise to me, it still chills me every time. How can anyone be so heartless? But it's always been this way. My mother being a stone cold bitch and leaving me to sweep up the dirty emotional work, while she played the part of Joan Crawford to perfection.

Leaning back against the wall, I close my eyes and try to think of a way out of this. I am sorry my sister is hurt. I am sorry I am about to inflict pain on her by telling her James is dead. I am sorry for my beautiful niece and nephew's loss. But deep inside where I would never want to admit this out loud to another living soul, I was sorry more than ever that this problem had even been passed my way. Couldn't fate leave me alone long enough to let me live MY life?

Realizing my selfishness in the situation, I hang my head slightly. Was I only human? Sighing yet again, I stood up, gathered my coat and cell phone, and walked slowly to the nurses' station to get my sister's room number.

"May I help you?" the perky brunette behind the counter asked.

"Yes, I need Victoria Bennett's room number please."

Slight click of keys on the computer. "Ummm….Bennett….room 321." She looked up and smiled at me.

"Thanks." I begin to walk towards the elevators. On the way up, I count the numbers until the 3rd floor. I stare at the number keys as they light up each time, indicating a passed floor. How nice it must be to be a mundane object like an elevator button. You serve a purpose but can be neither a disappointment nor a hindrance to anyone.

The doors open and I stepped out. _Please_ _let me get this over with quickly, I need to get back to the_ _children,_ I thought glumly as I walked along the corridor searching for the numbers.

Finally, room 321 comes into view. I stand outside the door for a few minutes, with my hands in my back pockets. Finally, I push the door open. My breath catches as I take in the scene. My sister is lying on the hospital bed, with an oxygen tube in her nose. Her right leg is suspended in traction, with a huge cast on it. There is a bandage around her head as well as a cast on her arm. She looks very….hurt. _She looks alone, _I thought to myself.

I try not to make too much noise as I make my way over to the chair closest to her head. The chair makes a protesting groaning sound as I pull it out. I sit down quietly and just hang my head, trying not to hate the situation I've been forced into, but unable to help myself. And I'm at a loss for words.

"What do you want?" A voice croaked at me. I look up; thinking my mother or a doctor had entered the room. Then I see Victoria's blue eyes slit ever so much, staring at me. Trying to focus.

"Victoria," I said warmly, reaching up to touch her hand.

She jerked away. "Bella. Just say what you have to say. I know you have something to say."

"Can I get you anything?"

Her icy glare freezes my mouth.

"I….I don't know how to say this. I'm sorry."

"Just say it."

"You were…in a car crash. Do you remember?"

I took her silence as a yes.

"Tori…." I try out her seldom-used nickname we called her when I was a child.

"James…where is he?" She asked. Her voice trembled slightly.

I have never been so uncomfortable in my entire life. Not even when Emmett McCarty tripped me in the 9th grade in the cafeteria in front of the whole school. I remember that like it was yesterday. Tennis shoes flipping, skirt flying up, the WHACKING sound of my bottom hitting the linoleum floor in the cafeteria. The CLANGING of my food tray. And finally, the roars of laughter from every angle. Aside from horror and embarrassment, I catch the girls I sit with every day at their table, not laughing, but not getting up to come offer to help me either. _Some friends_, I recall thinking.

I wish I felt heartbroken or saddened to be shoved up against this awkward wall. But all I feel is resentment for being placed here. For the shadow to follow me. Peeking up at her, her eyes are staring at me, focusing now, waiting, impatiently. I could tell she didn't have the strength to be hateful. But she was waiting for an answer. I cannot force the words out of my mouth. Instead, I just shake my head. Another peek up at her and she's looked away, she understood. She's staring up at the ceiling now.

I start to open my mouth and words, surprisingly soft, come out of her mouth. "Get out."

"Victoria, I can get a Dr…"

"Get OUT."

I continue to sit and stare at her. Why won't my feet get up and leave like she instructs me to? I just keep staring at her.

Finally, with a forced breath out of her mouth, in the loudest voice she could muster which is hardly more than a loud cry, I hear**, "GET OUT!"**

"Fine." I say. I rose quickly and walked towards the door. I turn slightly, feeling the bitch DNA from my mother rising in my veins and surfacing out of my mouth. "This is your own fault, you know." With that, I shut the door and walk back down the corridor, wishing I had never had to come. Outside, the rain began to fall and lightning was hitting. As in stepped into the elevator, I stare at the buttons again, never wishing harder than I was right then to be one of them.


	4. Chapter 3

_**Authors Note: I just want to say thank you to the following parties for being so encouraging in me writing and finally publishing my story, and for your encouraging reviews. I really appreciate it. Thanks to SexyLexiCullen, for listening, pre-reading and really encouraging me. Thanks Lex! Also to phoenix fan1 whom without her story being published, being one of the first FanFics I've ever read was a big inspiration to me as well. Thanks PhoenixFan1 AND SexyLexiCullen for all your encouragement and "Pimping" out my story on Twitter! And even though SydneyAlice**__** probably doesn't realize it, her story really inspired me too. Thank you. **_

_**I don't own or have rights to anything but my children in real life; but on here I don't either. Just borrowing Mrs. Meyer's characters, names and some places. Enjoy**__**. **_

Chapter 3

The ride to James' funeral was dreadful. As the limousine pulled away from the curb of their home where they had picked us all up, including my now hobbled sister, the rain fell down as usual. Living in Washington wasn't so bad, but sometimes the rain wore on your nerves. It seemed it had been worse lately, and the days went from grey to almost black as the impending fall season really fell on us. It was October, almost Halloween. After numerous attempts to help Victoria into the Limo, I gave up after her 3rd snap, "I've got it! GOD! Get off me!" I swallowed hard, trying to remember we were on our way to her husband's funeral, her children had lost their father, it was mostly her fault and she was just very, very distraught.

A tiny inner Bella shook her head. "No, "she whispered. "She would have been that way anyways, regardless."

I looked from my mother to my sister in the back of the limo. Our father had decided not to come, stating that James was not his blood relative, therefore not worthy of his presence at the funeral. Whatever. I wish I had been adopted. As I watched the scenery fly by, I felt, rather than saw, the emptiness inside the limo. Glancing to the huge wide empty seat next to my sister. I looked down at my shoes.

She had not allowed Seth and Leah to come.

I gritted my teeth and bit my tongue. I feel blood began to pool within my mouth. He was their father, for God's sake. I snuck a look at my sister. Her bright red hair is styled perfectly in long organized curls. Not a hair out of place. My mother had INSISTED she had her hair DONE before the funeral, even in all her pain. She had even poured her a DRINK mixed with her pain pills as she had her hair awkwardly trimmed and fussed over at the salon. I had been present with them at the salon, declining for my hair to be "done". I could give a shit if my hair was done. My niece and nephew were hurting badly and I wanted to go to them. I leaned my head to the side of the seat, thinking back to yesterday's conversation.

_(Yesterday)_

"_Victoria." _

"_Whhhhaattt?" _The alcohol/pills asked.

"_I'm going to get the kids. Leah will need a new dress to wear tomorrow as will Seth need some new clothes." _

Getting up and gathering my messenger bag and blackberry I start to walk away. Cue Mommy Dearest. _"Bella, where do you think you're going?"_

I notice the hairdressers eyebrows raise at my mother's insinuating tone. _Oh this should be good_, the eyebrows said.

I sigh loudly and turn around_. "To get Seth and Leah, Mother, and take them to buy them new clothes for their father's funeral tomorrow. Is that alright with you?"_

I look at my sister. Her eyes are closed but she looks like she's half-asleep.

My mother scoffed. _"Really Bella! Did you think it was some little party the children were attending, that they would require new clothing?" _

I give my mother an icy look. Narrowing my eyes I spat out, _"No, __**MOTHER**__ but they __**ARE**__ going to see their father laid to rest! Did you want Seth to just wear a diaper and Leah to wear her pajamas?"_

Victoria elicits a giggle at this mental picture. I rolled my eyes. _**COME ON, PEOPLE! PLEASE TELL ME IM NOT REALLY A MEMBER OF THIS FAMILY! GEEEZ!**_

My mother teetered out a small but fake laugh. _"Oh Bella. You're so overly dramatic. Of course they wouldn't wear those to the funeral. But the truth is they won't be requiring any new clothing, period. Since they won't be in attendance." _

"_What?" _

"_You heard me. I made sure your sister understands. A stuffy funeral home is hardly the way to say goodbye to their father properly. I can throw them some little service or something, if they wish for it later on."_ She said this last part dismissively as though my niece and nephews feelings don't count.

If your dog dies, get another.

My hands begin to tremble_. "Mother. That is __**NOT**__ right."_

She stares at me_. "What would YOU know, Bella, about what is RIGHT and WRONG in this world? You're hardly more than a big child yourself. Look at you!" _She scoffed loudly and then looked me up and down._ "Still wearing those ridiculous Converse tennis shoes, which are clearly in need of replacement. And your hair." _

Another giggle from my sister.

I walked to her. "_Victoria….DON'T let her do this….Seth and Leah NEED to be there tomorrow. James was their father for God's sake! You won't have to take care of them, I will. I'll watch them and keep them and you won't have to do a thing but please don't exclude them…"_ my voice is beginning to blubber as I picture the children sitting at home on their desolate but beautiful furniture, staring around in wonder having no clue what's really happening with their family.

My sister's eyes are still closed_. "Go 'way Bella,"_ she manages to get out.

I gulp hard and back away from my mother. She's staring at me as though I'm out of place. And that's truly how I felt. I feel out of place, out of time, out of everything that has to do with anything for this family, if that's what you could even call it. _"You. Are. EVIL."_ I grimaced at my last words before turning and shoving the glass doors open, leaving my mother and sister in the salon. 

After leaving the salon, I walked down the street. I wasn't really sure where I was going since I didn't have my car, so I just kept walking. The tears were streaming down my face freely now, I made no move to wipe them away. Better to just feel it now and then move on. What was my mother thinking? I know my sister clearly wasn't thinking, literally. It probably gets really crowded in one's head after one consumes not only pain pills of epic portions but alcohol as well. The tears stopped. I stopped on the sidewalk. I look down. Nothing wrong with Converse. I happen to love my Converse. "I hate you." I whisper to my mother, wishing she would hear it. I pull my Blackberry out to dial a cab to take me to my sister's house, so I can face the music ahead of me.

No feeling in the world feels better than Leah's small arms thrown around my neck. "I knew you would come back." She whispers. I look her in the eyes and only nod, unable to swallow the lump in my throat and speak. Seth comes toddling down the steps as well, smiling and slobbering at me. I held my arms out and he ran into them. Shortly following Seth is Mrs. Cope, the next door neighbor. With Seth in my arms and Leah holding steady to my jeans, we stare up at her.

"Will there be anything else your family will need, Bella?" She asked. No friendly, but not un-friendly either.

"No, Mrs. Cope. Thank you for all your help."

"Not at all dear. Such a shame. Ill be here tomorrow for the, uh, other arrangements." The tone of her voice implies she either DOESN'T want to be here to watch the kids for the funeral or she disagrees with the decision for them not to attend. Choosing to believe the latter, I shrug.

"Thank you. See you soon."

As soon as she is out of the driveway Leah cries out, "Aunt Bella! We missed you! We don't like Mrs. Cope! We want our Aunt Bella to stay with us!" I smiled. The first real smile in over 24 hours.

"Leah, that's not nice, but I missed you too." I crane my neck to look at Seth, who is smiling sheepishly, and then lays his head on my shoulder. "Let's go in….I want to tell you a story."

Once settled in the house on their couch, Leah sitting next to me, Seth on my lap, I started to open my mouth to begin.

"Aunt Bella…where is my daddy at?"

I closed my eyes and made myself relax. _They can feel your stress_, I reminded myself. "Honey, that's exactly the story I wanted to talk to you about. It's about your Mommy AND your Daddy."

"Are they still out? When are they coming home?" Her eyes begin to widen at the idea that they may NEVER come home.

"Leah, your mommy and daddy were out driving around last night. Remember, because I was here with you?" She nods. "Well, while they were driving their car, they had an accident."

"Like when Seth pulls his diaper off and pees on the rug?" Seth grabbed a handful of my hair and laughs loudly, as if affirming this accusation.

"Something like that sweetie. It was a very bad accident. Your Mommy got hurt pretty bad and she's in the hospital." I gulped, watching her reaction. She takes this new information in, and then nods. The mature little adult is surfacing.

"Alright. Mommy is hurt. Where is Daddy? Is he next to her on a bed in the hospital?"

I shake my head slightly and my eyes keep trying to close. "No, Leah. He isn't. Your daddy got hurt really bad. A lot more worse than your Mommy. Daddy…was hurt so badly that he couldn't stay here anymore and now….he is in Heaven. Do you understand what I'm saying, Leah?"

Silence.

"Leah…look at me." Big tearful eyes turned up towards me.

"Daddy….is gone."

"Yes." I said simply, wishing it _were_ simple.

"When is he coming back?"

"Oh sweetheart." I hugged her to my chest. "He isn't baby. I wish he was. For your sake. But he isn't."

Her tiny body stiffens as she begins to sob softly. I know then that she understands. Seth wiggles his way out of my arms and runs out of the room. Leah turns her tear-streaked face up to me. "I understand." She whispers.

"I'm so sorry sweetheart…I wish I had better news for you."

"What about Mommy? Is she…coming back?" the question sounds almost…hopeful? But for what?

"Yes, of course. She's just a little hurt and will need a lot of help…." I frowned. How would Victoria manage this home, with the children and nooone to help her? They had no hired help. She had prided herself on being able to take care of the home and the children while under the influence. Was this why the State Trooper had wanted to call CPS? What would happen to the children? Surely they couldn't go on living here with her….not like this, not the way she was now. And not, I shuddered, with my _MOTHER_ anywhere near them, to brainwash them and belittle them. I leaned down into Leah and said, "I'll be right back, I need to make a phone call." She merely nodded and then just sat there. I walked quickly from the room. Turning once to glance at her, she was slumped on her bed like a broken doll.

I quickly dial a friend from memory. "This had better be good…" a slightly hung-over voice barked into the phone.

"Mike," I say as sweetly as possible.

"Bella?" The rough voice asked.

"It's me."

"Well…hello there. What's going on?"

"Are you uh, available for a quick chat?"

"Uhh…in person or right now on the phone?"

"Just on the phone."

"Sure. What's up?"

"Mike, I'm in a bit of…a situation and I could use some legal advice, if you have any you could offer."

Silence. "Ok, I'll bite. What gives?"

"I know your pre-law, and you're NOT an attorney…YET but…." I then explained the situation to him. After quibbling on the phone for a bit and then going through boring formalities, I was told what my choices were, or what he thought they were according to what he had learned so far in law school. I was so glad I had college friends that might still be able to help me sometimes. God Bless Mike Newton. He informed me that I could go to CPS, open a file and state why I thought temporary guardianship would be the most beneficial for all. The tricky part would be getting Victoria to agree to this. She would have to sign some legal documents.

I walked back into Leah's room. She was curled on her side, sound asleep, Seth at the opposite end of her bed, asleep as well. I covered them both up and switched on their nightlight. I had the feeling they would be sleeping together more often than usual. And that was normal, whatever would give them comfort. I walked to the window and stared out at the pouring rain. I would need to lie a little. And manipulate the situation with my mother and sister. Ease some tension. Give them tacit compliance, give into the brainwashed bit. I took a deep breath. I could do this. For Leah and Seth, I could do it. My brow furrowed, thinking deeper. Thinking of how to get my sister's children into my custody away from her. I smiled slowly. This wouldn't be a problem. After all, I was Renee Swan's daughter. Bitch of all bitches that she was, she was smart, if nothing else. Thank God I had some of her genes. The rain still falling, I went to bed to prepare for the funeral the next day.

The funeral was….a funeral. The weather was wet, cool air, grey skies . He was laid to rest sullenly, quickly, without his children in attendance, as his alcoholic wife and controlling mother-in-law wanted. Only a few of his work associates showed up to the service, and just the priest and me. I threw one solitary red rose over his coffin. I stood as a few rain drops pelted down. They ran down my face slowly. "Don't worry," I whispered. "I will take care of them."

_**Authors Note:**_

_**OK I KNOW everyone is wondering where Edward is at, and don't worry, he is coming into play! One more chapter and then I plan on having him appear! Please be patient! I really want you all to feel what Bella is feeling. Just trust me. **_


	5. Chapter 4

_Authors note: I don't own anything Twilight related. How do I get a Beta on her? _

_Ok, this chapter is kind of long, I know. I'm trying NOT to fall into another plot. But this chapter not only has current day but the entire past of what's been happening to Bella. Also, I would like to say I have __**NO**__ idea what the laws really are for Guardianship in Washington or any other state, this is just my story and anything that matches or resembles it in real life is purely a coincidence. Thanks for reading and enjoy. _

Chapter 4

_(Present Day)_

I feel swallowed. There are no words. I sit on Kate's couch, in her nice office. Wishing I was somewhere, anywhere else. Wish I was someone, anyone else. Never have I felt more worthless, dreadful, and sick. I lower my head and look at Kate. I wish she felt everything I felt. Then there wouldn't be a need for this nonsense therapy.

"Bella?" Her voice is sickly sweet. Almost cloying. But in my heart, I know she means well.

"Yeah?" I asked without looking up.

"I think you are really making some good progress. Please try to remember…things like this; traumatic events that take place in your life, events you cannot forget, are not easy to recover from. But you being here is proof that you're heading in the right direction."

It's like white noise in my head. I heard her but I don't really comprehend what she said.

"What?" I ask while looking out the window. I refused to look at her. Looking at her makes it real.

"I am very proud of the progress you're making. You have really come a long way. And please, try and remember that no one can ever erase your memories, the things you hold inside. Those are yours forever. Yours."

I snorted. "Right."

She sighed softly. "Bella, there is nothing wrong with being angry at the situation, or turn of events. You're allowed to be angry. To FEEL. And if you ever want to tell me how your feeling, you can."

She had no idea how I felt. How I FEEL every day. How it plagues you, how you live with it. Once more, I find myself wishing she would feel what I feel. Then she would know. I had found myself disliking her more and more, simply because she was unable to feel my emotions and tell what was in my messed up head. The bitch, not to be able to see in my head. I climbed back to the surface.

"Thank you Kate."

She is leaned forwards with her chin in her palm. I recognize she is trying to look casual, trying to say she's on my level with her body language. She is nowhere near my level, if we are being concise. I stifle a giggle. A giggle here would be terribly out of place. It would sound manic. Get the white room ready. Enter one Swan Comma Bella. Kate sits up.

"That's an hour."

I stand, pull my messenger bag around my neck and waist and walk towards the door. "Bella?" she fluttered.

"Yeah?"

"Whatever it is your feeling…whatever it may be. It's OK to feel that. Regardless of what anyone else says or does."

"Including you?" Someone sew my mouth shut. She's only trying to help. I swallowed hard. I just couldn't find it in myself to say sorry to her. To anyone, really. I am met with her silence. I lightly shrug my shoulders and then turn in the way I came, shutting the door behind me.

_(Flashback)_

One year and 6 months ago, I had "Guardianship" over my niece and nephew, Seth and Leah. It was the best time of my life, ever. I never saw my mother, never saw my sister. Never heard from either of them. The kids loved me, I had always known that. But this….this _mothering_ feeling. This was different. This was something real, something that could never be bought. This was something my own mother could never do. I feel in love with it immediately. But mainly, I think I was more in love with the dependence the children put upon me, and the feeling of being needed, leaned on and loved unconditionally.

When I had first gotten guardianship, it was a bit dicey. I had to move them into my apartment with me. I was 24, and didn't have much. A car. An apartment, ½ a college degree and some clothing. But trying to convince a judge that your worth a damn and you are the only blood relative who thinks the children are worth a damn from an alcoholic sister was an easier feat than I imagined. After Victoria was home for good, after all James's legal trouble was put to rest, she was trying to make do on her own with some foreign woman that didn't even speak English that my mother had hired as a "maid" and "helper". Of course my mother only went over there when the situation needed to be heavily controlled. And in that environment, it did. A couple of times I think she had to change Seth's diaper. I think mainly because Victoria just couldn't will herself to do it, and the "help" was busy with other tasks. My mother was thoroughly growing more and more disappointed in my sister.

Victoria had become very depressed since James's death. Not that I blame her, I think that was a perfectly normal reaction. But she shut everyone and everything living OUT. When I went to visit (Which was bordering on PSYCHO everyday visits) she was never dressed. Never had her hair fixed. She was drinking a lot, taking pills a LOT and sleeping too much. The "Help" was feeding, bathing and dressing the kids, making sure Leah got to her pre-school. After my days of working and then a night class twice a week, I went over to help. Most nights I stayed on her couch, she never even knew I was there. I would get up with Seth when he cried, stand with Leah at the bus stop till her bus drove away to take her to school. Victoria was dis-connected. She felt nothing, saw nothing. When you tried to talk to her, all she would say was, "What?" At first it was a question, as in, "What did you say?" Then it was just an automated response. "What." I didn't feel sorry for her. This was all going exactly how I had hoped. Now it was time to turn the tables on my mother. I didn't fear this; I wanted it to happen and go exactly as I had planned. This too was easier said than done.

I caught her coming out of Victoria's house one evening. She had seen me several times at Victoria's and we usually didn't speak. Usually all I got was a pressed lipped smile and a firm nod of the head in greeting. When I stopped her from climbing into her Lexus she stared at me, almost as though she didn't recognize me.

"Mother."

"Bella." She replied back smartly.

"We need to talk about Victoria."

She stared at me for another moment, and then nodded slightly. She stepped out of her car. No need of hiding or finding somewhere private to have this conversation. Victoria wouldn't have heard it even if we had shouted it in a megaphone in her ear. My mother stared at me expectantly. "Well? What is it? And please, could you hurry it along? I have a nail appointment in 20 minutes." Perfect. This was exactly the type of shallow priority I was hoping would appear.

"She isn't functioning. Hell, she can't even walk. She won't go to physical therapy, feed or change her kids, keep her house clean and she smells like…a homeless person. It's unsanitary and….gross." I couldn't think of a more mature way to word it.

My mother sighed very deeply. I could tell she was mulling over something. I had seen this look once before, when she was trying to decide whether or not to spend $500 on some damn purse. She was mulling, trying to make up her mind. These little mental battles with herself usually didn't last long.

"What do you propose to do about it?" She asked.

Suddenly, I feel unsure. Maybe I didn't think this through well enough.

"Did you plan on taking guardianship from her?"

I looked up sharply, and stuttered. "Wh-What?"

She looked at me knowingly. She leaned in and said ever so softly, "She will have to sign it over to you, you know. She will need to be coherent."

I stare at her, shocked. _What is this?_

"You…you're…helping me?"

Now it's her turn to look at ME sharply. "NO. I am helping…" she falters, starts again. "I am helping my Grandchildren. After all. They are blood."

I sighed. This wasn't…like her. To willingly offer help. Not unless…there was something in it for her. "What 's in it for you?" I asked blatantly.

She looked at me. Her eyes narrowed the tiniest bit. I caught it. I feel like a hawk. I will see everything running on _her_ field.

"Bella. Don't be ridiculous. I only want whats best for her children. Now, as you know, I have no time to raise them myself or else I would, you must know this. So, shall we go see my attorney? Or did you plan on going about this and paying for it yourself?"

I stared at her. "Uh. What about your nail appointment?"

She glanced down at her watch. "Canceled."

I walked away on my heel, slamming the door louder than necessary. What the hell was going on here? Was this some sort of altered universe? _People should have a passport to come here_, I thought sullenly before grabbing my bag and yelling for Kaure, the hired help, to let her know I was leaving.

Two hours later, my mother was dropping me off back at Victoria's. "Are you sure I can't drive you to your apartment, dear?" She asked.

"Uh, no thanks. I need to be here to make sure the kids are in bed. I will probably sleep on the couch."

The last two hours have been like…a wonderland of sorts. My mother being nice, her toothy attorney grinning in my face with his mahogany office screwing the hell out of my allergies. But, two hours later we had paperwork in hand to begin the process. We went before the judge in the morning.

"Alright then. Goodnight. Tell the uh, children, that their Grandma said good night." I nodded and shut the door. Her red taillights blinking at me in the dark. I walked up to the porch. I shook my head as I entered. I had no idea what was going on, but it seemed like my plan was falling right into my hands. Not wanting to look the gift horse in the mouth, I walked into the living room. Kaure was picking up toys. I smiled at her. "Kaure. Where are the kids?" She nodded back at me and then in the general direction of the staircase. "Thanks. Where is my sister?"

"Mrs. Bennett asleep." Big surprise.

"Ok. Well…I'll be staying again tonight. See you in the morning."

I raced up the stairs to see my beautiful niece and nephew, who were already asleep. I couldn't wait to get this legal work over with. I couldn't wait until they were mine. Kissing them both gently, I pulled the covers around Leah's sweet face. She sighed softly. "Mommy," She whispered. I smiled, tears brimming. Was she imagining me as her mother? Or thinking of Victoria? It didn't matter; she was being well taken care of now and would soon be away from my incompetent sister. Thank God. I kissed Seth's face and made sure his bottle was within reach before walking back down the stairs to the living room.

The next morning was the hard part. When Victoria was awake, I walked into her bedroom slowly. I walked in and shut the door. There was a small peal of light in the room, she sat in darkness. "Victoria?" I asked, trying to make it sound as though I needed permission to enter this room.

"What."

"I need to speak with you."

"Come here."

I approached her bed slowly. I stood in the small peal of light. "Yes?"

"Hand me that bottle of Percocet's."

I turned my head slightly. My inner psyche was once again battling me. If I were a good girl, I would take the pills, flush them, and then call the nearest rehab center. Don't they do that in California?

But this was Port Angeles, Washington. And this was my sister. My pill-popping alcoholic sister, who showed no signs of changing, or wanting to change and no signs of wanting any interaction with her children.

I handed her the bottle silently. "Now hand me that flask."

I handed it to her.

I swallowed hard. "I'll be back in a little bit." I said. True to my word, I did return, 30 minutes later. I walked in to see a very groggy but awake looking sister. "Victoria, "I said harshly. She glanced up at me. "We are going on a little trip. But before we go, I have to make you sign something for me."

"Wh…what?" She is barely coherent. Geez, now I really was starting to feel guilty. I bought my pen and the paper out I needed her to sign, attached to a clipboard.

"Victoria. You are a drunk. You cannot care for the kids properly. You are unable and unwilling. You need to let me take care of them for awhile. Just until…you feel better."

"Bella?" I look at her, startled. She hadn't addressed me by name in weeks.

"Yes?"

"Sister…" she says and then drool falls from the corner of her mouth.

"Victoria, I need you to sign this for me. Please? Your autograph? Can I have your autograph?"

She looks at me and smiles. "OH. Of course! I was always the prettier one you know," she says drunkenly. I rolled my eyes while she clumsily tried to hold the pen in her right hand.

"Do you need help?" I asked softy.

"You….you're such a good sister." She looked up at me and smiled. With the scar across her forehead slashing her otherwise perfect looks, she actually looked like a decent person. But she wasn't, and I could no longer allow her children to see her like this.

"Thank you, Victoria. Thank you." I say quietly. I leaned down and kissed the top of her head. "Thank you, sister. Thank you."

_(Present Day)_

After leaving Kate's office, I walked slowly to my car. Before getting in, I threw my bag and keys in and climbed lithely to the top of the car. A month ago, after having lived with my niece and nephew, trying to make a new life for myself, fate had stepped in. I pulled my knees up under my chin. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to shut out the memory. Trying to forget. My mind turned traitor and pictures flew through my mind like the wind. Leah running around in her pajamas', giggling. Seth toddling around with food smeared all over his mouth. Reading stories at bedtime. Would this never end? Was there no end in sight? Tears begin to well up. Seth crying in the night, I assume for the comfort of his mother, and me going to him. Fixing him another bottle. Holding him, shushing him softly and rocking him in my arms until he fell back asleep. Hope beginning to grow in my chest like a flower among weeds. The tears begin to fall as I recall the knock on the door. All I saw in through the doorway was my sister's designer shoes, my mother's shoes, and then their faces. My sister, un-feeling her face blank. Like paper. My mother, with the slightest smirk on her face. They had a police officer with them and an attorney. I had tried to slam the door shut in their faces but the cop stopped it. I vaguely remember thinking I had always had a thing for cops, and it was a shame to shut the door in his face but they weren't getting _my kids._ The attorney, and another hidden person _(Jesus how many people did they_ _bring with them?)_ from CPS entering the premises. Taking my children, taking my life, taking my heartbeats one at a time. My mother smirking down at me, while the police officer held a screaming me down on the floor to calm me. I kicked and writhed beneath him to no avail, knowing inside that I had been tricked, that my mother truly did not love me. But all of this knowledge paled in comparaison to the fact that I knew one other thing to be true: I would never see them again.

They left me on the hardwood floor of my apartment. All I could do was cry and hitch and cry again. I had no air in my lungs. I tried to breathe but I couldn't. After a few hours, I crawled to the window and placed my face on the glass. "Leah," I sobbed. In my minds ear I heard Seth's scream as he was pulled from his warm, familiar environment, and I saw Leah's legs kicking, one tennis shoe falling to the floor and they didn't pick it up. I had never felt such a pain in my life. A least, that's what I thought at the time. I didn't wish for death or disappearance. I wished for non-existence. I wished that I had never been born. I wish that I had only been a molecule somewhere within another universe. I wished for nothing. I'm in full sobbing mode now, on the hood of my car. The wind blew my hair back and the tears continued to course down my face. I stared at the sky, wishing to be saved and be nothing at the same time. I blinked up at the sky and quietly prayed for God to demolish me now. The wind continued to slap my face and God did nothing as I slowly climbed back in my car and made my way home.

_So Bella is feeling pretty low! I really want you to realize how bad Bella feels about herself. And I HAD to get this part of the plot up and walking before I made the entire story only about her. So if anyone is even reading this, thank you, please be patient and I hope you enjoy the rest! _


	6. Chapter 5

_Author's note: I still don't own anything Twilight related. _

_Thanks to__SexylexiCullen__ for listening and offering advice and help. I didn't sign up for a Beta because well, the process seemed long and I just didn't feel like it. Maybe one will find me. Also, I wanted to really say thank you for my dear friends Tara and Kristi, who are the only outside FanFic people who read this story and didn't laugh, but only encouraged me. Thank you girls, you have no idea how much that helps my self-esteem. Also thanks to PhoenixFan1 for constantly staying in contact with me via Twitter & helping plant ideas in my head._

_**Are you ready for some EDWARD! **_

Chapter 5

I pulled my long-sleeved black T over my head. Jerked my jeans on, slid my feet into my Converse. I sighed as I looked into the mirror. All black. Black is the color of grief, is it not? I didn't mind. I headed out my door, locking it as I took a step towards the hallway. I paused and looked outside the window. Life kept going. People kept breathing. The sun kept shining. All regardless of my situation. Didn't they realize time had stopped for me? I shook my head. Slow life.

I stared at the tombstone. I was sitting on the ground in the cemetery, where I had been countless times already. I no longer brought flowers. I had stopped bringing extraneous decoration like that weeks ago. It wouldn't bring them back. It wouldn't make anything better. So I had stopped.

"How are you?" I asked finally. In my head, I heard laughter, and the sweet words of Leah whispering again and again.

"_We love you, Aunt Bella!" _Ghost Leah whispered.

She was gone. He was gone. _They _were gone. My sister had driven drunk with her children in a car and went off a railing off the busiest street in Port Angeles. She had killed my niece and nephew, my reason for life, my light. I hated her.

"Why did you have to take them?" I whispered harshly to the air. I waited for an answer and was met again with silence.

When the call had come in that my niece and nephew were dead and Victoria lived on in the hospital, all I could feel was rage. Anger. I wanted to hit something, kill something, and take life from something. Mainly just her. I sat down and PRAYED that God would take my sisters life. No one should be alive after inflicting such pain on another human being. "Don't spare her," I thought to myself. And He didn't. Twelve hours after my prayer, it was answered. Victoria, never conscious from her accident, died. All I felt was relief. Almost happiness. Almost. I knew it was wrong, to feel this way for another human being, my sister at that. But I just couldn't wrap my head around it. What was WRONG with her? Why had this been allowed to happen? My head was constantly flooded with questions I knew there was no answer for. I pulled my knees up under my chin. Tears were forming now. I felt like Alice in the room with _the Drink Me_ bottle. I was going to flood myself.

I didn't sleep, not ever. I still went to work. Still went to school. Sometimes. I felt like I was always looking straight ahead and everything was moving around me…but I couldn't see anything, couldn't tell anything. The word was on fast forward and I couldn't even keep up to eat. My mother had been at the funeral. In designer clothes no less. She had poured more wonderful news on me during the reading of Victoria's will _(she had a will why so young?). _As the attorney had read the will aloud, it caught my attention that not only was I not even mentioned, but all of Victoria's life insurance and her children's life insurance were to go to…Renee. Her face had remained calm during the reading, but I saw the gleam in her eyes. Victoria was 36 years old and had a will_ (where there's a will there's a way )_ and my mother was the sole benefactor to the money. Their items were to be given to charity, their home sold at auction. I wasn't even allowed to keep anything of the children's things. All I had was Leah's one shoe. Her one sneaker that had fallen off her foot when they took her from me.

"I want something…from their house…please." It had shamed me to beg, but I knew no other way.

"What would you possibly need from their home Bella?" My mother asked. Renee had not comforted me any during this time, only wept artificial tears during the burial and then showed up for the reading.

"Leah had a doll I had given her…and Seth a blanket. Please, may I please go get them? You won't even know I was there." I turned my tear stained faced upon her. "Please."

My mother had stared at me and taught me how cold she was. She was a lifeless creature, no soul. Ice ran through her veins. "Why would you need something from her children, Bella?"

She turned to walk away. Childishly, I followed her and began to plead again and cry openly. "Mother-"

She turned sharply. She leaned down into my face. I smelled the cigarettes again. "Besides," She whispered. "She isn't even really your sister. You are not our blood, Bella. You never were. The children are NOT your niece and nephew."

I stood stunned by her words. My bag dropped to the ground. She began to walk out of the room then. In all my hurt and pain, my lungs worked anyways. "Whose am I then?" I whimpered softly.

She continued to walk away, but I still heard her shrill voice, sharp as nails in my head. "You are no one's." Her heels clicked on the hardwood floor of the attorney's office as she walked away from me.

_No ones_. I pull myself up on my knees and stare at Leah's headstone. Seth's is right next to hers. "I love you, my hearts," I whispered. "I hope to see you…soon."

Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted movement. I shot my head to the left. A man was standing two rows down, looking down on a tombstone in front of him. But he wasn't looking at it. He was looking at me. I gulped nervously and stood. It was getting late. I had been here half the day and hadn't realized it. I looked back down at Leah and Seth's graves and fought back a fresh batch of tears. "I'll be back tomorrow, my loves." I whispered. I backed away from the graves as though they were poison and walked back the way I came.

As I walked closer to the man standing near the graves, I felt…eerie. It felt like he was watching me, but I was too afraid to raise my head. How long had he been watching me? In my lost and scattered thoughts I tripped over a headstone. I fell to my knees, dropping my keys and bag. As I began to gather myself to stand, feet were in front of me. I looked up. The sun was behind his head so his face was a bit darker and I couldn't make out much. I felt his arms begin to lift me up. An unfamiliar and unwelcome feeling washed through me_. (Feels like when I stuck my finger in a light socket when I was 12 did he just electrocute me?)_

"Hello." His voice startled me.

I stared at him. Now that I was more on his level, I could make out his face better. His face. I gulped again. He was….beautiful. He had tousled bronzed hair, an odd shade. His features were fine but sharp, his skin slightly pale. I turned my eyes up to his eyes last; those were always my favorite part. Dark Brown almost black. Hints of Gold. He was perfect. I could see no flaw to him. He let loose of my arm.

"Hi." I said back. "Thank you for uh, helping me up."

He nodded once. "Are you hurt?"

I shook my head quickly, cursing my inner clumsy child I had never lost. "No, I'm fine. Thank you."

His mouth turned upwards. It was a half-smile but seemed almost sad. "Alright. Good day." And he began to walk away.

I blinked my eyes twice. What was happening? I quickly turned back to walk towards my car, but was walking behind him. I tried to walk quickly, but all that did was make me catch up with him. God, it looked as though I was chasing him. I recoiled at the thought. Was I? In my lost thought, I looked and realized I was walking next to him. I was such a zombie, how could I not notice these things? He continued walking, but I caught him peering at me from the side. Finally he stopped and stood there. For reasons unknown to me, I stopped too. What was I to him? A magnet? He stared at me, the sun coming down on us for once, and I was able to see his face so clearly. His hair was lit up from the rays. I felt enchanted.

"I, uh…I swear I'm not following you….I just….my car is there." I pointed half-heartedly towards where my Mazda wagon was parked. He turned his head quickly and then looked back to me.

"Why are you here?" He asked honest curiosity behind his curt tone.

"I…." I faltered, not knowing what to say. "My...childre-My niece and nephew are buried here. I was visiting their grave sites."

"Niece and Nephew? Or your children?"

He had caught onto that? "Niece and Nephew." I could barely say the words.

He looked down at his feet. "What are their names?"

It was real now. Everything hit me at once. The wreck, the taking, the funeral, the wrecks, the alcohol, the false mother. I shook my head violently. "Leah," I whispered roughly. "And Seth." I could feel the tears forming. I hadn't spoken their names aloud to anyone besides Renee and Kate. I had one friend, Angela, who knew a little bit about what was happening but not much. I pursed my lips and began to walk away.

I felt his hand on my shoulder. _(There's that shock again)_ I looked up surprised, tears running. "What did they die of?" He asked bluntly.

I squinted at him. _The Nerve, _I thought sullenly. "Car wreck." I stated. My tone had fallen soft though. How could I be angry? He had no idea, but why…why was he even asking?

"I am sorry." He said, his words clipped. I looked up at him. He was staring down at me; he was about a foot and a half taller than me. His eyes pierced into me. Suddenly, I felt calm. Relaxed. I wanted to sit down. His eyes burned into mine. This was getting intense.

"I'm Bella." I looked at him expectantly, breaking eye contact. He seemed to relax as well. He smiled the half-smile, sad again.

"I'm Edward."

"What are you doing here?"

"Visiting. The same as you. Isn't that what people do here?" He spread his arms wide, indicating the space around us.

"I. I suppose." I shrugged. "I have to go. It was nice, to uh, meet you Edward."

He reached out suddenly, placing his hand on my shoulder. It felt heavy. "Watch where you walk, Bella." He said softly. "You don't want to hurt yourself. Do you?"

Did I? Wasn't that what I was doing every day? "No," I whispered. Suddenly, it began to rain. The sun still shone though. We both held our hands out and looked up into the sky. I closed my eyes and felt the cold water run down my face. It felt so much better to feel the rain than tears. The pain still tore at my chest, and a burning still raged on in my mind. I suddenly felt his hands on my shoulder again.

I opened my eyes and looked at him. "It won't rain all the time." He said simply. I looked down at his hands on my shoulders. My breath began to hitch as I felt the hot water, mixed with the rain, fall down my face. "There is always something." He said.

I blinked madly at him. "Something?" I asked faintly.

"Something more. To believe in. "

He turned and walked away. As he did, the rain stopped. I stood, my hair wet and sticking to my face. I slowly began to walk back towards my car. When I got in and sat down in my seat, I looked up to the direction he had been walking to, but he was already gone. That was the most bizarre thing that had ever happened to me. I sat in my seat still, before starting my car, lost in thought. "Something more," I whispered to myself.

I placed a book up on the correct shelf. I stood back, looking at my work. The weather was dreary outside but still the sun tried to come through. I sat down in the chair in front of the shelf I was re-stocking. I worked for NOLS, or North Olympic Library System. It didn't pay the best in the world, but it was a job, and one I truly enjoyed at that. I loved books. I loved to read, to get lost in that other world. Words and sentences came so easy to me, forming together. Words made perfect sense. You could create an entire world with words. Describe anything perfectly and anyone could see it. I had often hoped I could become an author when I was growing up, but then changed my major to business administration. I figured more money was to be made in that field so I had turned my back on what I truly had wanted. I sat back and finally allowed my mind to think what I had been trying to hold back from thinking about.

_Edward._

My mind cultivated at all the questions I had that could not be answered. I wondered where he came from, what his last name was, who he was there visiting at the cemetery? Why had I felt the way I did when he touched me? A stranger's touch, to ignite such a spark within me? What power did he hold? I barely heard the bell ringing up front, signaling someone entering the library. I stood up, ready to continue re-stocking my shelves. As I reached up on tip-toe to set a book on the highest shelf, I groaned. "Shit," I mumbled. Suddenly the book was out of my hand and placed on the shelf. Startled, I looked up quickly. Poe entered my mind again_. "And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain  
Thrilled me - filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;"_

Edward. Again. I looked up at his face. I opened my mouth to speak but no sound came out. He half-smiled at me. "Bella," He nodded in greeting.

"Edward." I nodded back, trying to disguise the shock and pleasure in my voice. I glanced sideways at him. He was still staring at me expectantly. "Thanks," I mumbled, leaning towards the bookshelf.

He just stared at me, the smile fading from his face. It occurred to me he expected me to say something. I tried again. "What are you doing here?"

"It's a library. I would like a book."

I narrowed my eyes at his sentence, thinking maybe he was being a smartass. "What kind of book were you looking for?"

His eyes shifted. He was lying. I felt something swell within me, not sure of what it was. "I guess I don't know. Just something to read."

This felt awkward but fantastic. I recognized the swelling in my chest as excitement. I wanted to just sit down and stare at him all day. My eyes ran over his figure, and noticed he was not wearing a jacket. Although the sun was shining, it was quite chilly out. "No jacket?" I asked, a smirk rising to my face.

His eyes went to the floor. He shrugged lightly. "You're not cold?" I asked.

"No."

"Why?" I honestly could not stop asking questions.

"I'm just not." He voice was abrupt, asking me to _STOP_ asking him questions.

"Um. OK. Well. This is the fiction section." I motioned to the row behind me. "Authors are alphabetical, and uh, there are computers here as well, for anything you want to look up. You can use the system to search by title or author."

He looked up at me. His eyes pierced me again. The intensity was back. "Thank you." Was all I heard and then he disappeared in the row behind me.

I almost gasped. What was this? My head felt tight. Never before had I been so uncertain. I was treading in unfamiliar territory and had no idea what to make of him or these feelings I suddenly had from nowhere.

As I'm walking down my aisle, I know my back is to the aisle he had walked to. As I re-stock books to the shelf, I feel eyes on me. I turn my head slightly to the side but see no movement out of my peripheral vision. Still, every movement I make, I feel someone watching me. I finally turn around completely but to no avail. He isn't there. My eyes dropped in disappointment. I turned back to resume my work. I had more important things to worry about than some strange, beautiful man like him. I continued stocking the shelves and thought about his piercing eyes. I couldn't shake the feeling. It was like gravity.

That night, I went to bed and as I slid beneath my sheets my mind danced around all the things I thought of every night. Leah, Seth, my sister, Renee. Sometimes I even thought of my non-existent father. But tonight, something else lurked within my thoughts. Dark brown eyes, with the gold glinting in them, staring within my eyes, holding my gaze. I felt guilty for thinking about something other than Leah and Seth. I closed my eyes tightly and tried to clear my mind. I fell asleep with his eyes in my mind. My sleep was deep and I did not dream. For once.

_So! What do we think? I for one am happy Bella has a distraction, even though Edward is a little weird. Don't worry, they will get to know each other soon enough! Thanks for sticking with me through this and see you next chapter! _


	7. Chapter 6

_**Authors Note: I'm getting some really good feedback, which makes me only want to write more often! So thank you to everyone who left reviews! **_

_**I'm trying something a little different for this chapter, so stick with me! **_

_**Once again, I own nothing Twilight related. I only wish!**_

_**(Just FYI: inspirational song for this chapter was "Deliver me" by Sarah Brightman.)**_

Chapter 6

_**(EPOV)**_

I closed the door to my apartment behind me. I leaned against the door, my forehead touching the wood of the door. Screwing my eyes shut, I sighed harshly. I had seen Bella again, this time working in the library. Although that was a lie, wasn't it? I already knew she worked there. I had to get myself in check before I did something ignorant.

"Where were you?" a voice asked.

I stared. "I didn't know you were here." I said, my voice falling flat at the end.

She laughed darkly. "Liar. You always know, just like I always know where you are."

I sighed. "Can we discuss something else, or perhaps not talk at all, Rosalie?"

Silence. I began to walk back towards my bedroom. Suddenly she was in front of me. Her mouth pulled back from her teeth. "Were you…seeing that _girl_ again?"

I pushed passed her. "You know, spying is truly unbecoming of people, Rosalie. But it's extremely unbecoming of you. It contrasts with what you attempt to represent of yourself."

I heard a slight growl as I ignored her and headed back to my room. I closed the door on the rest of my apartment. I went to my window and stood, overlooking the neighborhood we lived in. It wasn't too bad. I closed my eyes again. What did all of this mean? I may have been smart but I didn't know everything.

My name is Edward Cullen. I live here in Port Angeles, Washington. I'm alone, except for my roommate and companion, Rosalie. I sighed. We didn't like each other, but we stuck together regardless. It was hard to find someone you could trust these days. She had always acted as my defender and I hers. Beautiful as she was, and she WAS beautiful, I felt nothing inside for her. Nothing the way I felt when I had come across that strange and enticing girl in the cemetery a few days ago. _Bella._ I drew in a quick breath. I had never felt anything like this before. When I first saw her, kneeling in front of a tombstone, I thought nothing of it. Until she had looked directly at me and made eye contact. My first instinct was to flee. But the heated gaze she held, though brief, jolted something within me. I opened my eyes and looked down on the street. In my mind's eye, I saw her long brown hair, waving down her back. Her big brown eyes peeking at me, her porcelain white skin looking so soft. I ran a hand through my hair. I couldn't understand my reaction to this girl. It wasn't so much as a reaction as it seemed a longing. I scoffed to myself. Longing for a stranger? Unlikely.

And then I had seen her once more, walking into the library and had stealthy followed behind her, but not to where she could see. I felt the magnetizing draw to her. I waited awhile, setting on a bench outside of the library. After about 45 minutes I decided to go in. _What do I say to her?_ , I had thought to myself. I had fumbled with my collar and ran my hand through my hair several times before walking in, glaring at the loud bell announcing my arrival. At first, I didn't see her. But after darting in and out of a few aisles, I had spied her on tip-toe, attempting to place a book on a shelf higher than her. Quickly, I went to her and took the book from her delicate hand and placed it for her. I inhaled silently as I towered over her. She smelled like...Casablanca lilies. She smelled clean and warm. I startled her. When she turned to me, I stepped back, afraid of scaring her more.

"Bella," I had said in my quiet voice. I tried to smile at her but the action felt so unfamaliar to me I'm sure it looked like more of a grimace. She stared back at me. I recalled our conversation in the cemetery, and although the date of her family's death was unknown to me, a great sadness was in her eyes. I felt her sorrow bleed over into my own mind. I wanted to hold her close. I did nothing. I stood straight and watched her face carefully. I became a soldier.

When she had asked what my business I had trespassing in the library, I panicked. I truly did not know what I was there to look for. Foolishly, I tried my half-hearted smiled again and said I had only wanted a book. Then I realized I made a mistake.

"You're not cold?" She had asked suddenly.

I groaned inwardly. I should have worn a jacket. I looked away from her. I could feel a laugh beginning to come from my throat, another unknown and unfamaliar reaction.

"No," I stated briefly, begging her silently to not ask again.

She hadn't taken the hint. "Why?"

I took a step towards her. This usually wards anyone off who asks twice. She stood her ground. Surprised, I almost stuttered, "I'm just not."

She had then shrugged and let it go. I realized then at once two things: 1, I was terribly, frighteningly drawn to this girl. And 2, she was _not_ afraid of me. After she explained the different sections of the library, I nonchalantly made my way to the aisle behind where she was. Though her back was turned to me, I could tell she knew I was watching her. I watched her move among the books, re-stocking one, then another. I could have watched this for hours. My eyes followed her every movement. Finally, when she had turned her back, I made sure I was nowhere in sight. But I had kept watch even then. Wishing I knew her sadness, her story. What plagued her and would I ever get the chance to find out? I couldn't comprehend why I even cared. After a quick glance at my watch, I fled the bookstore, running as fast as I could down the backstreets to my apartment. I tried to out-run the longing for this girl, but it ran with me, shouting in my head and my heart, forcing me to feel it's pull on me.

A swift knock on my door knocked my back into reality. "I'm going out, "Rosalie's voice was muffled by the door.

"Alright," I had said.

"Are you coming?" she asked impatiently.

I sighed again. I had to go. I looked at my watch again. I wish I had the courage to ask Bella what time she had gotten off work, perhaps walked to her to car. Or even so I could be there to watch her walk to her car. Even if she didn't know I was there. I wanted to get out, but not with Rosalie. Not tonight.

"You go ahead."

"Fine." Her voice was sharp and slightly confused but I heard her light footsteps as she walked away and the final click of the doorknob as it shut.

**xxxxxxxx**

I paced outside of the bookstore. I had remembered my jacket this time. Finally, I heard the doorknob of the store turn once and then shut again. Metal scraped inside the keyhole locking it.

"Goodnight, Bella." An unseen voice said.

"Goodnight Angela, " Bella's beautiful voice carried out. "See you in a couple of days." I nervously ran my hand through my hair. She would surely think I was a stalker now. Or crazy. The out of place smile fell on my face again. I reached up to touch my face. It felt strange. But I liked it.

Hearing Bella's footsteps approach I stepped outside of the alley I was in and stood before her.

I heard her gasp and her footsteps backing up rapidly. I had frightening her. "Edward," She gasped. Her throat gulped loudly.

I took a step back, trying to assure her. "Sorry, " I said sullenly. This was going all wrong. "I just, wanted to see if you wanted me to walk you to your car. Or home." Now I gulped. I felt strange. This was definitely the weirdest scenario I had ever been in.

She stood with her hand over her heard, breathing rapidly. "You…waited out here for me?"

I looked away, shamefaced. "I live close by," I lied.

She swallowed again. "Er…ok. But…my car is only right across the street."

I glanced over. It was close. "Ok, well maybe some other time." I began to turn my back to her though it felt very wrong. Suddenly I felt her hand on arm. My hand clenched at the shock of her touching me.

"Wait- I was actually going to put my things in my car and go for coffee…could you maybe, walk with me to the coffee shop? It's just down the street."

I clenched my jaw tight. I turned to look down at her, forcing my face to relax. "Yes." I said simply.

"Let me just put my things in my car." She hurried across the street and unlocked her car.

**xxxxxx**

We walked slowly down the street again. The feeling of being next to her was indescribable. I could smell everything and look at her beautiful haunting face as we walked. Although I had declined to get anything at the coffee shop, I had loved watching her beautiful mouth work over the cup. I wondered what it tasted like but not enough to try it. My smile grew wider every time she asked me a question. Her voice was so soothing, the patterns reminding me of something, but I wasn't sure what. I asked her questions as well, but kept the conversation light. I didn't want to frighten her.

About a block from her car, much like my earlier entrance into the evening, two gentlemen stepped ahead of us outside the alley. A smell assaulted me. Anger. Impatience. Anxiousness. I stopped suddenly and forcefully pushed Bella behind me. "Edward-" I heard the splat of her coffee and cup as it hit the ground.

The men turned towards us. One stood near the back, watching the alleyway and the oncoming traffic. The other came right at me. I saw his weapon of choice. Switchblade. I bristled, but smiled inside. It has been awhile.

"Just give me what you have on you motherfucker, " he hissed at me. "And whatever is on _**HER**_**.**"

"Or maybe what you could get off of her," the man in the back scoffed. They both laughed.

Rage built up inside me. I began to tremble. I heard Bella's breath catch in her mouth. "Just give him what he wants, Edward." She whispered loudly.

Smiling sadistically, I made solid eye contact with the man in front of me. I breathed in deep, attempting to relax. "You appear to have made a mistake, sir." I said_. Sir_, even.

His nervous glance bounced between me and the alleyway. "Fuck you asshole! Give me your wallet!"

I gritted my teeth. Without thinking twice, I grabbed his wrist and flexed my fist. One jerk and he was in the alleyway. I pulled Bella with me with my other hand and kept her behind me. He slammed against the wall where he then collapsed. He slid down the wall. I felt small bones breaking in my fist. The knife glinted on the ground. "My hand!" He screamed. Terror was at last recognized.

His partner ran to where we were. I turned immediately to him, grabbing him by his jacket and throwing him against the wall. His head slammed smartly against the brick wall.

"Now. I said. I think there's been a mistake," I growled through my teeth. I backed up further, making sure I was in front of Bella. I heard her whimpering behind me.

"What the fuck man!" one guy yelled.

"Leave. Now." I could feel it rising within me. It was about burst out. I prayed almost silently for them to leave. Quickly.

Bella was full on sobbing now.

I heard the scutter of their shoes as they got to their feet. "Come on Riley!" The one with two good hands whispered loudly, pulling his friend to a standing situation.

"My hand, man! He broke it! The fucking bone is poking through!" Riley cried, but once was standing, cradling his arm, ran with his friend. I stood silently, trying to make it calm down.

I forced myself to relax , praying for it to be gone before I turned to face her. I felt her weak hand on my shoulder, pulling me towards her. "Edward," She sobbed, pulling hard this time for me to turn towards her.

I closed my eyes and turned to her. I opened them slightly to see her face. She muffled a small cry and then stared at me, shaking. "Edward," she cried.

I swallowed hard, forcing relaxation on my body. "Bella…please, don't be afraid, I wont hurt you."

She still trembled before me and I knew what she was seeing. I closed my eyes but when I opened them I could still feel them. "I will NOT hurt you." I assured us both.

"Your eyes…are….blood red." _(bloodlust you should try it sometime)_

This was going to be much more difficult than I had ever dreamed. _ (Is anything ever easy for my kind?)_

"_What. Are. You?" _ Her voice was hardly more than a whisper.

I swallowed the venom in my mouth. I blinked my eyes back, willing it to go away. The urge within me was awake now. Especially now that I had brought blood from Riley.

"Come with me," I whispered, reaching for her hand. She stared at me uncertainly for a moment. Then to my surprise and perhaps my demise, she put her warm hand in mine.

_**Who didn't see that coming? **_

_**I had a review from a reader who asked me to please state if this story was A/H or A/U so they could get the story straight. Yes, I could have but I kind of wanted to spring it on everyone that it's not an All Human story. So now you know. I am really enjoying writing this story, and thanks to the girls on Twitter for "pimping" this story out! **_

_**Thanks again to PhoenixFan1, who has been so helpful to me and encouraging! If you want a good read, please check out her FF, **__**Who Says You Can't Have It All**__**, Great read! .net/s/6202913/1/Who_Says_You_Cant_Have_It_All.**_

_**Also you should try out: **__**The Story of Us**__** by SexyLexiCullen, it's a great read and even has a sequel! You go, Lex! .net/s/5710875/1/The_Story_of_Us**_

_**Please read and review and you can follow me on Twitter wendyherrington**_

_**Thanks for reading!**_


	8. Chapter 7

_**Authors Note: Thank you for all the wonderful reviews! It does wonders for me!**_

_**I don't own anything Twilight related, I just love writing about the characters.**_

_**Please Follow the Three R's of our FanFic World. Read, Review and Recommend!**_

Chapter 7

I sat up, looking around. Expecting to hear stirring. Perhaps a cry or whimper. Nothing. I looked at the clock. 3:15 AM. This was right around the time he would wake up. I lazily swung my legs over the edge of my bed and pulled myself to a walking position. I walked sleepily to his bed and looked down in. His round face and bright eyes peered up to me. He smiled sheepishly and said, "Ba ba." He thrusts his bottle up at me. I smile despite myself, and shuffle off to the kitchen to get him more milk.

As tired and exhausted as I am I feel completely at ease and even happy as I calmly pour his soy milk into a cup and then slowly screw the cap back on. It didn't matter how tired I was. Or would be. He was worth every second of exhaustion.

Upon return, my eyes adjust to the dimly lit room. I start to walk over to his crib and look down. I hiss out of alarm and fear and take a step back. No crib, no bottle, no blanket, _**No Baby**__. _I swallowed hard, twice and blinked my eyes. Only a dresser. A plain black wooden dresser my friends had helped me move into my bedroom. After it had happened.

I look at my hand and see my Aquafina water bottle in it. The water bottle is shaking in my hand. I bit my lip. This one was really bad. Taking a deep breath, I whispered to myself, "its ok. It happens to everyone. I will not cry. It's normal. It's healthy." My face scrunches as I lose the battle with my inner psyche and my tear ducts and only when I fall into the corner backed against the wall, eyes screwed shut tight, does the rain begin to pour.

xxxx

I lay back on my bed, unable to sleep. The rain poured down. I pushed Seth and Leah to the corner of my mind. I knew if kept them upfront, a whole new batch of tears would begin, perhaps even a panic attack or another hallucination. Madness was almost guaranteed to ensue. I made myself relax and thought of Edward. The events that unfolded this evening were unforgettable. Edward showing up when I was leaving work. Walking the block for Coffee. In my mind I remembered the way it felt with him walking next to me. I felt safe, complete. And wasn't it an odd thing to feel so attached to him already? This whole time, I had been suffering what I was thought was in repairable damage to my heart and mind, my emotions and feelings assaulted and left for dead. When he was near me though, however little I knew of him, I felt complete. No, that wasn't right. _Healed._ I felt confused, awed whenever I thought of Edward. He was so strange.

And then that horrible encounter with the men out of the alleyway. Edward had assaulted them, even hurt one. I couldn't help but feel somewhat vindicated that he had done it to protect me. And then something had happened, when he turned back to me after the men had fled. Edward had _changed _somehow. Almost became someone else. Something else. He was still Edward, obviously. And then again he was not. A William Hughes poem popped into my head.

"_Yesterday upon the stair_

_I met a man who wasn't there_

_He wasn't there again today_

_Oh, how I wish he'd go away"_

Edward was there with me one minute and the next it was someone else. His face had turned even whiter and somehow looked distorted. He looked dis-connected from what was happening and he trembled all over. Oh and one more thing. _His eyes._ They had turned red. _Blood red_. I couldn't recall seeing any white at all just 2 red holes in his face, where his eyes had once been_. (the eyes are the window so the soul or so they say does that mean his soul is blood red). _ But the main thing, the thing that had bothered me most, was that when I looked into his red eyes, seeing something take over this strange man, something he obviously didn't have much control over, I realized one thing and one thing only. I was not afraid. I did not fear him. Even in this altered state, when whatever it was that lived within him had surfaced, I still felt drawn to him. So when he had offered his hand to me, asking me to come with him, I did so. I would have done whatever he asked.

Holding my hand, he guided me quickly down the sidewalk until we were at my car. My breath came out in tiny puffs and I gradually relaxed seeing my car. Familiar. He opened my door for me and I climbed in. He motioned for me to roll my window down. "Go home. I will see you soon."

"Edward, I want to talk about-"

"Go home, Bella. You will see me soon."

With that he took off on foot, gradually breaking into a run until he was so far down the street I couldn't see him anymore. I obeyed him and backed my car out of the parking lot, driving towards my apartment.

xxxxx

I leaned back onto my pillow. Glanced at the clock. Time was so slow. I couldn't sleep; I was obsessing over this man who obviously was more than a man. My brain was yammering at me. I couldn't shut it off. I threw my covers off. Impatiently paced around my bedroom. _What was he? _(Does it matter) Yes, to some extent it did. I answered my own question. If he was capable of…danger, or hurting me. But something within me told me he would never hurt me. Even if I never saw him again, I knew I had no reason to fear him. Ever. I sat in the window seat of my apartment, staring down at the street, wishing for him to appear. The rain came down and cried on my window. I couldn't ignore this feeling in my chest. Something big was happening or was about to happen. But what? I just felt that childishly as it sounds…like maybe this turn of events, of meeting him, was a good thing for me. I'm not sure how I knew, I just knew. This was meant to be. I would have bet my entire life on that. I got up and walked to my kitchen and decided to go ahead and make coffee. It was only 4:30 and I didn't have to be at work today. I wish I knew where he lived, or his number_. _I shook my head. What a stalker I was turning into.

Finally, after lying down the 10th time, and after two cups of coffee even, sleep found me. My dreams were sweet and short, with Edward's face appearing in them again and again. I woke up in the early afternoon, feeling much better. I didn't know what I should do today but it would be evening soon and I had a class tonight. Peninsula College here in town wasn't my exact idea of success, but it was a start. My class was at 5:30 PM. I decided to get up and get dressed. Silently, I repeated a quick prayer in my mind. _Please let me see him today, I really need to talk to him. Please. _Other than never having to face losing Seth and Leah, I had never wanted anything more in my life than to just see him, be near him, hear him breathing.

After I was dressed, all black again, big shocker, I tied my messenger bag around my side and looked for my keys. Suddenly there was a quick rap at my door. One Two Three. I stared. No one ever came by here unless it was Renee, and even she had only been to visit once. I picked up my keys and walked to the door. I had no keyhole so I had no idea who it was. I took my chances and opened the door. Edward. I gasped a little, quietly, hoping he didn't hear it. He suddenly seemed shy. His hands were in the pockets of his jeans and he wore the same T-shirt as the day before. No jacket. Again. "Edward, hi." I said a little breathlessly.

"Hello, Bella. I hope I am not disturbing you." He peeked up at me and managed a half-smile. 

I gulped. "Not at all." I opened the door, gesturing with my hands for him to enter.

He stood there still, looking uncertain.

"May I come in?" He asked. His eyes penetrated mine.

"Yes, of course." I gestured again.

"Can you…..ask me?" He asked, his gaze getting more intense.

I forgot where I was. "Ask you what?"

"Into your home."

"You want me to ask you to come inside?"

"Yes."

"O….kay….Edward, would you like to come into my apartment?"

He smiled, relief lighting up his face. He stepped through my doorway. I shut the door and then stood silently behind him. He was looking around.

"This is much nicer on the inside than the out." He said. He smiled that half-smile again.

I felt like I was missing something. "Oh. Well, I guess so. How are you, Edward?"

"I'm well. Thank you." He murmured. He turned his dark brown gaze on me once more. "Are you alright, Bella? I…only wanted to apologize for my behavior yesterday and make sure you were well."

I swallowed hard. Then realized I was missing a beat. A few of them. "Wait- how did you know where I lived?"

"I followed you home."

"In-In a car?"

"No."

"Alright. And you think it's nicer in here because…?"

"I may have already known where you lived."

I only nodded. Somewhere inside my mind, I recognized I should be frightened at this turn of events. This strange man was following me home, showing up at my work. I should be panicked. But I wasn't. The calm warmed me. It felt right.

"Edward. I want to talk to you, but I don't want all your cryptic answers. Please, just talk to me and try to answer some questions."

He merely nodded. I scratched the back of my head. Which to ask first. It was like a cookie jar.

"What happened in the alley last night….You seem to have a lot of…" I searched for the right word. "Strength."

He looked at me. "That's not a question."

I sighed. "Edward. Are you…on drugs?"

His look turned to amusement. "No." He said, smiling.

"Ok, good. Are you…superhuman?"

"Superhuman?"

"Yeah, you know, like…Spider man or Superman."

He shook his head.

"Alright. What are you? Can you tell me that?"

He turned slightly facing me directly. He crossed the room in three quick strides and bent down near my face. "Does it matter to you?" He asked me softly.

I swallowed hard again. "No," I whispered. I knew this to be true.

"Then why do you ask?"

I shut my eyes tightly. It was getting more and more difficult to keep riding the same train of thought when he was so close to me.

"Don't be afraid of me, Bella. I won't hurt you."

"I'm not afraid. But I need to know what you are."

"I'm not like you. I'm different."

I groaned. "Really. I didn't think that. At all." My sarcasm was heavy.

He backed a step away. "Surely you knew that."

"Yes, Edward but I need to know and you're being very mysterious and I've run out of things to ask you so please tell me who or what you are!" I was growing impatient. I wanted to know, hear him explain things to me so I could move on and continue falling in love with him_. (In love did you say in love?) _

"There are a lot of names for what….I am. But mainly, the one most recognizable by your generation would be….vampire."

I scoffed. "Are you kidding me?"

He looked up at me. Suddenly his eyes narrowed. "No."

"A vampire? Ok…those aren't real things, Edward. They're made up stories. To scare people. You know, like Dracula or LeStat."

He stared at me. "I don't eat. I don't sleep. And I need something to live on that you cannot even imagine digesting, let alone comprehending. Yet you're filled with it. So if you have any other ideas of what you _**think I**_ might be, please, share your theories with me."

I couldn't look away from his gaze. He walked towards me slowly. He leaned down into me, and placed his hand on my face. His touch was light. "I could kill you now," he whispered. "And no one would ever know." His soft voice was at odds with his menacing words.

"You wouldn't hurt me though." I stated. It was a fact. I felt it inside.

His hand stayed on my face and then traveled down to my throat. "No," he murmured. "I wouldn't." He turned away from me.

I breathed again. "Why did I have to invite you in?"

He shrugged. "I have to be invited."

"But why?"

"I don't really know, Bella. I just have to invited."

"And if I don't invite you in, you can't come in?"

He nodded. "What do you….eat?" I asked timidly.

He looked at me with an almost scolding look on his face. "You must already know the answer to that."

"Do you…drink blood?"

He hesitated. "I need it. To survive. If I don't have it in one way or another, I will die."

Simple as that.

"Are there others like you?"

"Some." He seemed to not to want to answer this question.

"Edward, I have to go. I have a class tonight. But..I still want to talk to you. If that's ok. Later perhaps?"

He nodded. Walking towards the door, he suddenly turned on his heel and touched my face lightly again. "Bella, you have no reason to fear me. Not now, not ever. I won't hurt you." He locked eyes with mine.

I nodded limply. "I know," I whispered. "I am not afraid of you."

He removed his hand and walked away down the hallway of my apartment building. I watched him walk away and reluctantly shut my door. Once closed I leaned back against it. I felt the butterflies taking over. A vampire had just been in my living room, stroking my face and whispering that he could kill me if he truly wanted to and I get butterflies in my stomach. Sick. I bit my lip and dug my keys out of my pocket. It was time for class. Shutting the door behind me, I locked my door and walked down the hall towards the stairs. Reaching up to touch my own face, I felt a smile, a _real_ one formed there.

_**So, now they have officially had the "conversation". Glad they got that out of the way. I can't wait to see what happens next, how about you?**_

_**Please R & R and if you have a great recommend story for me, please let me know! **_

_**I have a couple to recommend. "Beyond Time" By TKegl is a wonderful story! Check it out here..net/s/5755522/1/**_

_**Also, check out "Solace" by SydneyAlice is a great read! Still in progress but you can read it here: .net/s/6304262/1/**_

_**Thank you for all the reviews! Next Chapter should be posting sometime this week! **_

_**Don't forget you can follow me on twitter too! Atwendyherrington Thanks!**_


	9. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

I sat on Kate's couch. Restless. I shifted my legs. She noticed.

"Something you would like to share, Bella?"

I swallowed back my words. Since he had been in my apartment I had felt…different. I had become air. Light. Feeling colors rather than seeing them. Something of importance was happening to me. The sadness wasn't as thick.

"I'm…coping. I think." I tried not to scoff.

"Yes, you seem to be," Kate mused. She bent over. Wrote down some notes. "You're doing just…._fine_." The word _fine_ was emphasized.

I blinked. What was fine? I looked out the window. In my mind eye, I saw him, hovering above the window. Smiling at me. That half-smile. Like it was effort. What must he imagine, to only half-smile at the world? What must be thought of, to only use half a smile? Was it because something was so good you could barely manage a full smile? Or not good enough, so not to share an entire grin with the world? I leaned forward on my elbows, balancing them on my knees. A sigh escaped me. Edward beckoned at the window. Was he…floating there? Clinging to something? The half-smile again. Asking to come in. No, that was wrong. To be _invited_ in. I stifled a giggle. He had to be asked, like a girl at a dance. Those were_ fine_ things.

"Bella?"

"Yeah?"

"That's an hour."

I stood. I peeked up at Kate. Smiled half way. She narrowed her eyes before smiling herself. "You do seem….a little different, Bella. But it's definitely a good thing."

I smiled. Bella and Edward. I was now part of a half. "I'm fine, Kate." I left.

XXXXXXXXXX

I shot straight up out of bed, gasping for air. I clutched my chest. Tears in my eyes, threatening to flood over. I clapped my hand over my mouth. That one had been bad. I had been standing in the hallway of my apartment. In my pajamas. Daylight had crept in. Sunlight everywhere. Drenching my whole apartment, streaks breaking as Seth's tiny feet stomped through my apartment. I bent, held my arms out to him. Right when I should have felt his small body compact to mine, I felt nothing, but air. Turning every direction, confusion entailed_. "We love you, Aunt Bella,"_ my ghost niece had whispered. Nothing but smoke. And a broken heart. All over again. I collapsed back, letting the flood unleash. After a few minutes of crying, then calming, then crying again, I sat up again. The clock said 3:15 AM. The two tiny dots blinked at me. I glanced out my window. The street light outside cast a bright orange aura, and for once, no rain came down. The heat kicked on in my apartment, feeling good. I knew it must be cold out if it felt so warm inside. I got up, went to the bathroom, splashed some cool water on my face and then looked into the mirror. I stared at my reflection for a minute. I shook my head. "Get it together, " Bella hissed at me.

I walked back to my bed and sat down. I knew it would be of no use to stay up so I lay back down, covering up, screwing my eyes shut, forcing sleep. Suddenly a light scratching at my window. I opened my eyes quickly and scanned the room. I looked out towards the window. Nothing. I got up, climbed to the edge of my window. Suddenly the orange aura was blocked and he was there. The floorboards of my bedroom flooded black. I gulped. Felt my body relaxing. Edward. At my window. At 3:15 in the morning. And I had no steps, no balcony, no fire escape. Inner Bella threw her head back and laughed. Danced. He was _here_. I went to the window. Put my fingers up to the glass. His hand touched mine through the glass. I stared at him.

"What do you want?" It was barely a whisper, yet I knew he heard it.

"To come in," he said simply. I knew if I looked down and saw that he was merely levitating at my window, I would fall down into my head. I knew I may not return, either.

I swallowed again. "Would you like to come in, Edward?"

He nodded, gazing intently into my eyes. I felt weak but as though, somehow he was looking into me. Did he know I was wishing for this exact thing to be played out as it happened? No. That was ridiculous. But he was a vampire. Now _that_ was what was ridiculous.

I opened the window wide enough. "Come in, Edward. Come in." _(you are always invited my love)_

His feet were first, his hands gripping the upper seal of my window. He slid lithely through, his body sliding in easy like a key in a lock. He landed gracefully on his feet. Turned once to look at me. "Thank you for letting me in, Bella." I grimaced. His words seemed to mean two different things.

I nodded stiffly. "You're welcome. What do you want?"

He turned his back, walked away from me. "Do I need a reason to come?" He looked at me. I felt his eyes burning into me, searching, asking for an answer. _( What answer what was the question I can't think straight around you) _

"Did you not want me here?" He asked finally, when I didn't answer.

"Maybe." I didn't want to play games. I wanted to go to him, be in his arms. But I couldn't. Not now. Maybe not ever.

He walked to me quickly, cupped my face in his hand. "I think you did," He breathed.

I felt my body shudder. Every fiber in my body was alive with his touch. I felt my face lighting up. "How…how did you know?" My voice sounded ridiculous. Like an old-time Marilyn Monroe. Happy Birthday, Mr. President. I shook my head violently.

"I know," He said simply. "I will always know, now."

I opened my eyes and stood still. He was across the room again, silently without me realizing it. "You will always know what?"

He looked up from the picture I had beside my bed. Seth and Leah, holding hands outside of their home. Flowers in Leah's hair. An improbable grin on Seth's face. Mischief. My heart skipped a beat. Pain, be gone. You are not invited in.

"What you desire."

I closed my eyes. "More riddles? Can you not just say what you mean? What do you mean, 'what I desire'?"

He sat down on my bed. Gripped the edges. "Sit," He commanded but his voice was soft. I saw down next to him. He was wearing a black t-shirt and dark blue jeans. Black boots. Of course he was wearing boots. He couldn't float around in Addidas. He looked at me. I knew he was trying to be honest.

"I am…tied to you for some reason, Bella. And I don't know how. And I don't know why. But…when you yearn for something…from now on, I will too. And I will know what it is your heart wants."

I stared at him. Once again I just wanted to walk away. From this fairy tale _(or nightmare)_ "What does that even mean?" I asked. "You mean….you can…read my mind?"

The half-smiled appeared. He shook his head gently. "No. I cannot read your mind."

"What, then?"

"I can just….feel your feelings. I know what you want. "

I looked down. This was bordering on crazy. I don't see him for half a day and now he flies up to my window telling me he can read my mind. I jerked my head up. "What do I want then, right now?" I demanded. I cleared my head. Or so I thought. He shook his head again.

"You want me here. I know that. Because I want to be here. I am invited."

"That proves nothing." I started to get up. Suddenly, the electric jolt leaped into my arm as he pulled on it.

"Wait," He said. He closed his eyes. He breathed in. I waited silently, suddenly afraid. Had he…seen what I really had wanted just now? If only for a second?

"You want…." He swallowed. "You want me to kiss you." He looked up at me, the golden glints in them bouncing off the aura of orange light once again flooding my bedroom. Everything else was dark. His hair was bronze gold in the light, and as he looked up at me, I lost myself in his eyes. The colors glinted at me.

"Don't you want to?" I didn't argue. Why lie?

"Yes," he whispered hoarsely.

I sat back down on the bed. I matched his gaze evenly. "So."

He seemed to be arguing with himself silently. As though someone else was paying rent in his head. Arguing with him. I knew that argument well. It was the Angel/Devil defeat. I closed my eyes. I wanted him to kiss me, even though I knew this was the most ill-thought out thing I had ever done. I didn't know him; he wasn't even human for God's sake. What did all of this mean? What was happening? I opened my eyes and suddenly he was there, his face inches from mine. His eyes were gazing intently into mine as he neared closer. He smelled…so good. Woodsy. Like he had been camping and forgot to change his shirt. I hitched in my breath. It was going to happen. _ "Alice, Alice, Alice, Alice, Alice, Alice, Alice, Alice, Alice, Alice,"_ I chanted a song in my head silently. I sat still and felt his breath on my face. Suddenly, a sharp breath was drawn in. Almost like a hiss. Startled out of my dream world, I looked into his eyes, which were suddenly flooding red. Blood _(lust) _red. As I looked closer, something else caught my attention. My eyes widened at the sight. Small white fangs were formed on the upper row of teeth. His teeth bared and his lips curled back. My bedroom and vision flooded red and the orange disappeared.

XXXXXXXXX

I awoke with a start. I sat up in bed. Looked hurriedly at the clock. 7:30 AM. I gasped and looked straight towards the window. I jumped out of a bed and ran to the window. It was locked and had shown no sign of having been opened. Did I dream it then? The orange light, the almost-kiss, _(the_ _fangs_) the half-smile? I sank down onto my bed. I sighed sadly. Strangely, I felt tears brimming again. And I knew it was because of the dream with Seth and Leah, and it was because of my dreamed interaction with Edward. I had seen him, floating around outside my window and then he told me he could feel what I wanted and he wanted it too. It was too much. I wanted for so little. Why couldn't just a little light be allowed for me? I rubbed my eyes fitfully and then went to get dressed. I needed to get out of this room.

Completing every day, mundane tasks had always helped me sort my mind out. So I cleaned my small apartment, loaded the dishwasher, though there was nothing much to wash. I re-aligned the dishes in the cabinets. I couldn't stop his face from coming back to me. Inches from mine, wanting the same thing I did. My stomach tightened. I needed to talk to him, see him. Find him, first. I wiped down my kitchen cabinet with bleach. I loved that smell. So sterile, so clean. My eyes closing, I thought back to last night. The dream. Seth running to me in the sunlight, laughing, so happy. Leah, shyly from her doorway, proclaiming her love for me in ghostly whispers. And then he had come to me. Just as I had wanted. Suddenly I was snapped out of my quiet memories. A sharp, quick rap at my door. Loud. Asking to come in. I smiled to myself. Who would this be? _Let it be Edward_, I prayed silently. I went o the door. Pulled my boring hair back behind my ears, stood straighter, relaxed. I opened the door.

Renee stood there, her clasped hand still raised as though to knock again. I slumped. My smile faded. This was worse. "Renee? " My voice was passing away.

She bristled and raised her nose slightly in the air. "Bella," She greeted.

I stood back and allowed her entrance into my apartment. I didn't have to tell her. She came in.

"Bella," She pressed. "I would like a word with you. Please." Her smile was thin and tight.

"Say what you need to say,_ Renee_," I used emphasis on my words. I wanted her to hurry and leave.

She nodded. "It's just that…your sisters passing was so sudden…I hadn't had time to quite, uh, process it clearly when I uh, told you about…uh, your adoption." She was now stumbling in a garden of sharp words and rocks. Good. Fall down. Ding Dong. The witch is dead.

"I don't want to talk about this…I have to go to work."

Her face lit up. An opportunity was looking at her. In her eyes, anyways. "Work? Oh yes? Let me give you a ride. It's no problem."

"I have a car."

She nodded silently, and then looked down. "You see, Bella, I hadn't really wanted to tell you that way. The way...that it had came out. It was just that I was so very hurt and saddened by your sister and the children's death..."

"Oh mother please just tell me what you want to say!" I was revolted by her false endearing nature.

"You are adopted," She said softly.

"I gathered that."

"When you were just a baby. Six months old. You were so helpless. But you….looked like you could have come from our lineage…and after much discussion, Charlie and I decided we DID want another child…Victoria was…such a handful at the time." She smiled to herself, remembering something.

I saw slowly down on the couch. She cleared her throat and continued. "We adopted you from an orphanage in Chicago. We….didn't want it to get back here that we had adopted from anywhere around this area. " Her eyes shifted to mine. "That was your father's idea, though." She said quickly. I rolled my eyes.

"Your mother had been so very, very sick. Destitute. They were unsure how long you had lived…the way she had lived before she came into their county hospital. She was ill, dying. You were almost of the same nature. It took weeks for you to get well . But….when they showed me the pictures…I couldn't stop looking at you. I felt so…sorry for you." Her head looked up at me. Her eyes were actually hopeful. I stared back at her. My face was blank.

"So you adopted me because you felt sorry for me?"

"Yes. No, I mean, we did but we wanted to help you. You have no idea how hard it is it to watch a child slip away. We couldn't just…watch that homeless woman let you get ill and die and then not want to take you home and offer you something you couldn't have had otherwise."

I gasped. "Renee," I said sternly. She was pushing the limits.

She turned her back to me, walked towards the window. Looked out. Saw nothing. Turned back to me. Reached inside her purse. She had a thick white envelope. "Bella, I want to talk about something with you." I looked at the envelope. "When…people pass away so young, like your sister did, like you ALMOST did in that orphanage, its best to be prepared. "

I squinted. "So…what? What are you saying?"

"I had my attorney draw up papers for you. I did the same thing for your sister. It's just…a contingency plan. In case of anything you're un-prepared for. Well, that I'm unprepared for." She laughed gently.

She held the envelope out at me. I looked at it. Sighing, I finally took it. I opened it up and read it. Words shouted at me_**. Life Insurance Policy. Accidental Death.**_ And the most important word stood out and was actually highlighted_**. **__**Beneficiary. **_

That did it. "Get out." I stood, and jerked her by the arm. "Get out of my house."

"Bella! What did I do? I'm only trying to help you, for God's sake!"

I glared at her and made my voice icy. "You do nothing for God's sake. Only your own." I pushed her plump form out of my doorway and shut the door and locked it. Her light rapping came still.

"Bella…."

"Go away, Renee. And don't return." I was crying openly now. _(You have no idea)_ How could she be so heartless? My niece and nephew were barely in the ground _(to watch a child slip away)_ as was my sister, and she was already thinking of where her next check would come from? I squeezed my eyes shut. I wanted to escape. I did nothing and her soft raps stopped. I heard her walk away, down the hallway and once again, the rain slowly came down.

_**So! Edward is turning out to be more of a traditional vampire. Or is he? You will just have to read and see! Thanks for all the reviews and sorry it took so long posting another chapter. My son was in the hospital this week with a bad virus so I was unable to write. More thanks go out to PhoenixFan1 and SexyLexiCullen for always checking on me, and encouraging me. Look them up on FF and read their stories. "Who says you Can't Have It All" and "The Story Of Us". Great reads! You can follow me on Twitter atWendyHerrington. Please R&R&R! Thank you!**_

_**Also, I have a "Damages" playlist I listen to while writing. The inspiration for this chapter is from the song "Alice" by Cockateau Twins. The play list is at: .com/playlist/20960748555**_

_**Thanks for reading! Hopefully another chapter coming up tomorrow!**_


	10. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

_**Ok, so this chapter is going to be a little longer. I haven't updated in over 2 weeks due to Major Writers Block! But then I got some major encouragement tonight from my Twitter Gals, and I truly appreciate it. So I decided this is MY story and whatever I want to happen, I will make happen and that THIS Twilight World is MINE. I control the characters and happenings here. We are going to take a deep look into Edward's mind now, and get some questions answered! Song inspiration tonight came from Depeche Mode," Nothings Impossible". **_

"_Just give me a reason, some kind of sign  
I'll need a miracle to help me this time  
I heard what you said, and I feel the same  
I know in my heart that I'll have to change_

Even the stars look brighter tonight  
Nothing's impossible  
I still believe in love at first sight  
Nothing's impossible"

_-Depeche Mode_

_EPOV_

I stared out at the dark night sky, so glad the moon was out. Darkness had fallen, and night was my favorite time. A certain excitement coiled in my stomach, and I felt it tighten up. As if the night was my companion, calling to me. I turned my head at the sound of Rosalie's feet skittering hurriedly outside of my bedroom door.

"Edward," she hissed. "Come on with it! I'm hungry!"

I was too. It had been over a week now since we both had fed, clueless as usual as to why we abstained. Well, I knew why I had been abstaining but I had no idea why Rosalie had. Rosalie's impatient feet marched outside my door like a solider awaiting battle.

"I'm coming," I whispered, knowing she could hear me.

I opened the door. Rosalie's eyes turned wide and black, hungry and wild, and ready to pounce.

"Let's go, then." She said softly. She flew to the front door and I, hungry from my week of not feeding, could not help but follow.

XXXXXXXXX

After we had hunted and our hunger was sated, we returned to the apartment. Rosalie candidly still licking her lips like a cat after a bath. She looked at me and smiled. She was high. "That was goooood…" She purred.

I stared at her. Her eagerness seemed perverse. I gritted my teeth and tried to smile at her. "Yes, it was." I admitted. "I'm going to my room."

"Not going out tonight, are you?" She called after me. I slammed the door as a response and walked to the window. As I looked out at the dark night, I thought about Bella. She knew now, what I was. She knew now what I did. She didn't know how I had become this way, or my past history. She didn't know everything. But I wanted her to. I paced the room uselessly. I needed to see her, but I wouldn't go to her until I felt that…that need within me. And it was not the usual need I felt, the need for hot blood spurting down my throat, exploding in my mouth. Not that need, although that need was great. It was that need that made me a creature that could not be explained. I was a strange half-breed. The word vampire seemed over-zealous and glamorous. But it was apt. That IS what I wanted, what I craved. Blood, hot, fresh pulsing blood streaming from a fresh wound, preferably from the neck. I sighed. How could that beautiful woman ever want me, this terrible creature that drank and survived on blood? Thinking of a constant blood flow spurting in my mouth, picturing the red pools swirling in my mind, my teeth grew sharp. I felt my fangs with the edge of my tongue. Only so slight, small razors. White, gleaming and small. They could have been bad teeth to a human with bad eye sight. My vision blurred and I felt the animal within me try to surface. _**No, No, NO!**_ I had just FED for Christ's sake! I pulled my head down into my hands and jerked my hair, willing it to go away. Then, I felt it. I stood, frozen in the middle of my bedroom and looked at the clock. 2:55 AM. I felt a magnetic pull within my stomach begin to pull.

_Bella. _

She wanted me. Or needed me. It didn't matter which. I opened my bedroom window, stared at the moon in the sky, thankful it was bright tonight. Not that I needed the light to see, but nighttime is a Vampire's daytime. Our time to come out and play. I leaped from my window to the street, landing gently on the sidewalk as though I were some graceful animal. A gazelle, perhaps. Strong, swift and sure. I ran then, towards the pull. Past buildings, cars, the alleyway where I had nearly killed those two humans who had meant harm towards her _(my love)_ and kept running, unable to stop yet sure of my course.

As I ran, I thought about the newest revelations to my life. I had met Bella. I had fallen in love with her almost on sight. She was not only beautiful, but as soon as I had touched her in the lone cemetery, the connection had been made. Now, no matter where she was or what she was doing, I would always know when I was needed or wanted, no matter what type of need it was. I thought about what it meant that I was drawn to a human. I had been attracted to them before, but attracted and drawn were two different things. I needed Bella. Craved her presence. And selfishly, already yearned to make her one of us, so that I would not have to keep walking the earth alone with only the company of my self-absorbed and so-called "sister" companion Rosalie by my side. In recent years, I had begun to detest Rosalie's very presence. Her feeding habits had become messy, almost cruel. Since we had traveled together for quite a few years now, it was only natural we would pick up one another's habits. We had decided by some silent truce, to only feed on the weak, the evil, the cruel, the ones we deemed deserving of death. It sounded bad and it may not have only been bad but worse than we thought. Sometimes I felt mindless, while divulging my need but somehow I also felt small corner of my sanity remain while I told myself it was ok because these were bad people, people who _DESERVED_ it. But I could see from the gleam in Rosalie's eyes while she fed, and surreptitiously wiped the blood from her mouth, that she harbored no such feelings. She fed because she liked it. We both did because we had to. I shook my head as I ran, loathing myself.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

At 3:15 exactly, I gripped the sides of Bella's building and began to climb. I felt the skin of my fingertips stick to the side of the building like glue but let loose as I moved. My shoes dug in to the brick uselessly, as my fingers and hands supported my body and did the work of climbing. As I clung to the side of the window, I closed my eyes and thought very hard about not letting go and then positioned myself in front of her window. I opened my eyes. A new entrance. She would have to ask me. I slid one finger on the glass gently. I saw her rise and peek to the window, as I knew she would. She wanted me here, so I would be here. She wished for me to appear and so now I would. I would die for her. She was doing so much to me, she had no idea. I peered into the glass and stared at her. Her ethereal beauty became even more magnified in the darkness and light. I touched the glass, tracing the contours of her face. _Invite me_ _Love_, I thought. And so she did.

"What do you want?" She whispered.

"To come in," I stated calmly.

She gulped. "Would you like to come in, Edward?"

I nodded, gazing intently into her eyes. She opened the window wide enough. "Come in, Edward. Come in." I climbed through.

XXXXXXXXXX

After Bella had passed out I climbed swiftly out her window, once again leaping to the ground and landing softly. I then begin to race, once again trying to out-run myself, out-run this creature that I was. I could not. I ran and ran. Past my own home, past the town. I ran until I should have been tired but I wasn't. I ran until I reached the park. There, I climbed a hill brusquely, until I reached a small cliff overlooking the park. The sun was beginning to come up. I needed to turn and go home. But I couldn't. I sat and watched and suddenly it began to rain. Clouds appeared, very normal for this area of the state. The main reason we had chosen to live here. We don't mind the rain, and being outside in the day is alright but we were unable to be in direct sunlight. A single but strong beam would pierce the skin at first, and a sound like meat frying on the stove _(here piggy piggy)_ would sound, and smoke would rise from our searing flesh. You would have to stand in the direct sunlight for awhile to be burnt completely, but we had seen others of our kind find a way out in that fashion. It was not my plan to go that way, but I did take big risks by going outside in the daytime.

For instance, when I first met Bella in the cemetery, it had been somewhat sunny out. However, I wasn't standing directly in the sun and I had deemed the day dark enough to visit my sister's grave without prejudice from the weather. The sun had come out though, and although I had been spared that day from cooking directly in it, by some miracle it had also began to rain, my saving grace. Something about the rain seemed to make it safer for us. We were unsure as to why. It simply _was_. I shook my head and climbed a tree, the higher the better, to see the world and feel the rain that saved me from the sun. I thought about visiting Alice's grave that day. I was usually alone in the cemetery, even the animals scattering away from me, smelling a true predator in their midst's. So while the sun shine lightly I stared down at Alice's headstone and wished there was a way to be happy again. I wanted to bask in the sun. Or bake in it. I was coming close to an ending but wasn't sure where. Then I felt it. The Pull. Bella.

When I had looked over at the simple human girl, all reasoning had gone out the window. At first thought, I felt like perhaps the pull was my hunger. I cocked my head, listening to her heart beating, only to discover her short, erratic breaths meant she had been either crying or trying not to cry. The air had felt tense for a second, and I almost readied myself for danger, my instincts telling me to prepare. But there was only this frail girl, with her black clothing and black sadness and beautiful face. She didn't seem afraid of me. I listened to her heart again, to see if I felt or heard fear or perhaps guilt, if she had been doing something wrong. But I felt nothing. I felt something, but was unsure of what it was. And then I had gone to her. After speaking with her, following her, more like stalking her, watching her go to work, home and visiting her family's gravesite, I had learned a few things. But by then it was too late. I was already too taken in by her earthly beauty, the rich dark brown shade of her hair, her beautiful brown eyes. Her skin was white as sugar, and smooth like stone. Begging to be touched. Blood throbbed through her translucent skin, begging to be drunk in. I would not. Her small, lean figure and clumsy human footing only made her more endearing to me. I wanted to hold her, protect her, and keep her safe.

I screwed my eyes tight shut as I thought of what had transpired in Bella's bedroom last night. I couldn't hear her thoughts precisely; more so I could _feel her feelings._ I felt inside that Bella had wanted me to touch her, to hold her and then I felt…she had wanted me to _kiss_ her. Staring down at her thin white face, watching her strawberry mouth as it neared so close to my own, all I felt inside was a yearning and the slight awakening of lust. True, sexual lust that had lain dormant far too long. As I stared down at her luscious mouth, I breathed her scent in and as soon as I smelled the blood pulsing through, felt the warmth of her body so close to me, the creature had awakened. I glanced down at her again and her eyes were closed, her mouth open to be vulnerable, expecting for my lips to meet hers. I could not. If I got my mouth near her I would kill her. I had already threatened that once but not truly meant it. My fangs jolted down, wanting to bite down on something and my vision went blurry. I hissed into the air. I would **NOT** do this. As her eyes opened and she saw the monster so near her, I know the last thing she saw were my red eyes before she passed out onto her bed. I fled.

Now, as I perched upon the tree branch, I thought about sweet, beautiful Bella. I thought about the life I couldn't give her. And then about the life that I _COULD _give her. If she wanted that. For nearly 300 years of my life I had been this thing. I had lived nearly my enter existence in hiding, with no mate and no companion except Rosalie and an occasional friendly visitor, another of our kind. We didn't socialize with others much. But through fights over territory and food Rosalie had always had my back but she wasn't the type of companion I had wanted. She wasn't Bella. Now that I knew about her I knew I would be unable to stay away from her. If my heart could beat it would beat faster at the thought of Bella with her white face and darkened beauty, shoving her fangs down into the soft meat of a neck, drinking in the life essence I so craved. I needed her in this life, with me. I would go to her and tell her exactly what I wanted, and what I thought should transpire. Tomorrow night. I smiled to myself, some of the first smiles in years that had crossed my face and they had all been recent. I felt like Bella was not only rescuing me from my own fate, but that I had been searching for her for years and just now finding her. I knew now I could never, never let her go.

XXXXXXXXX

The next night, I stood in my bedroom once again, waiting for the moon to rise. I had wanted to go out today but had opted to stay home and rest. Rosalie had paced like an angry cat in the living room, watching me, speculating. I could feel curiosity and a little anger seething off her. I scoffed out loud. Jealous. I blew her off and thought about Bella. I couldn't wait to see her. Around 9:00 PM I could wait no longer. I walked out in the living room and out to the front door. Rosalie sat on the couch unmoving, watching the television. She watched me as I was about to exit and she stood. "I'll come too," She said, moving swiftly over to where I was.

"I'm not going to feed," I said, trying to shut the door. She stopped it suddenly, slamming it so hard and quick it almost broke in half. Her face was determined.

"Edward." She warned. "Don't do this."

I shoved my arm up against the door, pinning her up against it. "Do what?" I asked through gritted teeth.

She hissed and in one swift movement was underneath me and then behind me. "You're fucking around with that human. I will **NOT** let her fuck this up. I want to live here longer and don't feel the need to be chased by an angry mob because YOU have an infatuation with her." Her teeth gleamed and she positioned herself as if to fight. I shook my head sadly.

"Rose, just leave it. You're becoming pathetic. Nothing is going to happen. Now stay here_. I'm going_."

She growled at me. Her nails became claws. Yet she did not move from her stance, knowing my very words and presence emanated the truth. It was too clear. We could not lie to each other. Unfortunately. I shut the door on Rose and her angry presence.

XXXXXXXXX

When I arrived at Bella's apartment, I heard commotion inside.

"I already told you, I DON'T know -" Bella's voice was high-pitched and afraid. I suddenly heard a sharp slapping sound of a human hand hit skin and a something heavy hit the floor.

"We can MAKE you-" a man's garbled voice said.

"NO!" Bella's scream was thin and high, very panicked now. Anger, hate, fear, anxiety was coming out from this apartment like a mist, seeping through. My fangs slid down and my eyes turned red. I hissed and with banged swiftly on the door. "BELLA!" I roared.

"You little bitch! Ungrateful little bitch!" Another woman's voice was seething with anger and lack of control. What the hell was going on here?

I heard Bella whimper. "Ed-Edward?" hands pushing shakily against the hardwood floor, scrabbling to get up and walk. "Edward!" She sobbed. "Please help me-"

Suddenly, I heard the slight change in the wind direction as someone grabbed her legs and swiftly jerked her up, pulling her by the legs. Her fingers made a smooshing sound against the wood and I heard her begin to cry. "No, no!" I heard the delicate snap of a fingernail breaking from her trying to maintain her grip on the floorboard. I felt nothing, saw nothing, only heard anger and rage in my mind. I lifted my hand once more and pushed the door open. The lock snapped and broke as the door swung open. The scene in front of me was un-real. A man easily three times my size was holding Bella by the legs. An older, well-dressed woman was waving a gun, a pistol it looked like, in the air, madly.

"Make her sign it! _**MAKE HER**_!" the woman was yelling now. I closed my eyes for a split second and felt all the bad feelings coming off of her. She disliked Bella immensely _(stupid little bitch_) yet knew her well. What the fuck was happening here?

"**BELLA**!" I yelled again. The man and woman both looked up at me this time. Bella was dangling from the man's hands like a fish out of water.

"Edward! Please-" she gasped.

I roared again, an empty animal sound, with my fists clenched at my side. I paced back and forth madly, venom pooling in my mouth, hissing openly into the air, purposefully showing them my fangs.

"What the **FUCK**!" The man shouted, staring at me.

I roared again, and slammed my hands on the door jamb, breaking splintering it. "LET ME IN!" I yelled, knowing I could not come in until I was invited. This was the most helpless, angry feeling in the world. I saw nothing but rage and could feel death already coming for the other two in the room.

The woman stared at me, "What the hell are you?" She half-asked and half-yelled.

I stared at her intensely, "Let. Me. Come. In." I spat the words out as calmly as I could.

The man dropped Bella and she landed smoothly on her stomach, grunting as she did so. 'COME IN! EDWARD YOU CAN COME IN!" She screamed thinly, before her eyes closed and she passed out.

I entered the apartment slowly, staring down at them. I closed the door calmly behind me, locking it. The two stupid humans were staring at me in shock and unable to move out of fear. "Felix!" The woman screamed. "Stop him!" Felix, deciding he wanted to live another day, turned on his heel and ran into a back bedroom, slamming the door. I started to go after him immediately, then decided to grab the lady's gun and shoving her hard back into a kitchen chair.

"You," I spat at her, venom now dripping down the sides of my mouth like honey. "Stay put. You are going to die. Soon." I heard Bella's bedroom window open and the smooth breaking sound of bone as Felix's heavy body hit the pavement. Not hearing anything else, I turned back to the bitch. "Now," I said, climbing back up into her face again, mewing like a cat. "You were saying?" She gulped.

"Please-"

Those were the last and only words I heard from the woman as I perched on her lap like a bird and bit her neck deeply, feeling the blood seep into my mouth, dark and delicious.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

_**A/N: Well? What do you think? Please Read, Review and Recommend. I really like this dark Edward; he is so much more forceful and aggressive than his Twilight counterpart. Stay tuned to find out what happens next!**_

_**I have a few story recs' to spit out here so here we go: "The Man Who Can't Be Moved" by Jenny0719 is a GREAT story! You will love this! .net/s/5473838/1/**_

_**Also, "Thankful" By one of my all-time favorite FanFic Authors, Sydney_Alice, is a hot, sexy story of Edward and Bella that started out as an O/S but ended up being a couple more chapters. Enjoy! .net/s/6436199/1/**_

_**Please don't forget my girl PhoenixFan1, who has the awesome story of E & B called, "Who Says You Can't Have It All" read here! .net/s/6202913/1/**_

_**Looking for an A/H story? Try "Instructions Not Included" by SexylexiCullen .net/s/6145729/1/Instructions_not_Included**_

_**These girls are on Twitter and have provided awesome support to me! I also want to thank Wheather79 on Twitter for being so sweet and I love talking about music with you! Please R&R and you can follow me on Twitter as well atwendyherrington. Thank you for reading! I'm trying to get a rough draft down tomorrow for chapter 10!**_


	11. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

_**I won't apologize for being so late on an update. **_

_**It's December & I have 4 kids. Need I say more? **_

_**Musical Inspiration is from the song, "Dead Can Dance" by The Ubiquitous Mr. LoveGrove**__**. **_

"_I thought that you knew it all  
Well you've seen it ten times before.  
I thought that you had it down  
With both your feet on the ground.  
I love slow...slow but deep.  
Feigned affections wash over me.  
Dream on my dear  
And renounce temporal obligations.  
Dream on my dear  
It's a sleep from which you may not awaken."_

BPOV

I wanted to open my eyes. My eyelids felt heavy, and my head felt heavy. I was so tired. Was it morning? I felt light behind my eyelids but wasn't sure what time it was. I rolled over on an unfamiliar space, feeling and smelling unfamiliar flooring and a blanket beneath me. I hear a scraping somewhere in the room so my eyes are being forcefully opened. Its light in the room but not because of outside. Thick curtains are covering the windows of this room, a room unknown to me. A stranger's room. I look up. The scraping sound is coming from the heel of a shoe swinging back and forth. Back and forth. The heel of the shoe is hitting the hardwood floor. I eye the shoe and my eyes follow upwards to see the owner. My eyes begin to squint, as surely this is an angel looking down on me.

She is wearing a white shirt with some kind of red design on it. My vision feels a little blurry so I blink, trying to see more clearly. Nope, it's right. A tall blonde woman is sitting on a bar stool, her long legs leaning off swinging. She is sitting on the stool but somehow isn't still. Like those gymnasts you see in the Olympics who are doing a single solitary movement on the balance beam. That's what she's doing. She's balancing. She's lifting her entire body with her hands and swinging it around and then sitting still and lazily swinging her legs, like a child who cannot sit still. She is obviously waiting for something. While I ponder this, I look up again to see her starring at me. Her eyes are….violet. Shockingly muddy like a dirty blue river. She is looking at me.

"Where-?" I start to ask but that's all I get out. Within seconds she's over near me, crouched on all fours. I notice now that her white top with the red design is more of a dingy t-shirt with…_BLOOD_ stains on it. I take a deep breath in and recognize for the first time that I am in danger. My nostrils flare as she leans down over me. Her lips curl up in not a smile but an invitation.

Her soft voice knocks me out of my shock. "Don't you want to _(run)_ know where you are?" She coos.

I swallowed hard. "Um, yes. Is Edward-"

She smirks. "No. He is not here. But he left you here. I think I might like you. Would you like to play a game?"

I'm shaking all over now. I have never been more terrified. Her nostrils are flaring as well as though she can…_smell me._ "What kind of game?" My voice is shaking. Hard.

She slides her hand up slowly, caressing my face. She leans in and her check is touching mine. Her touch is soft but menacing; I sense she could crush my skull at any moment.

"You run. I chase. If you can get out of this room, I'll let you live. If not…" she shrugged.

Oh Dear God Where was I? I close my eyes tightly, still shaking. I see Seth's sweet face laughing, and Leah's smile, her face filled with light. I open my eyes. They are smoke.

"That's a girl," she purrs. "Come on now." She is crouched in front of me like a child, her eyes wide, watching my every movement. It's as if she has never had another person in front of her in this Place, wherever it was. Shaking, I begin to pull myself up. Suddenly, her face is no longer there. A loud crash, thunder is hitting this room. The room shakes. My vision blurs and I hear or see no more.

XXXXX

Once again, I wake up. I look around, very much distorted now. Unable to grasp what's happening. Then I hear the voice I so long for, the voice I have needed to hear for so long. It's Edward.

His voice is low, rough. "Bella," he said. "Bella, are you alright? Speak to me, please." His voice is now pleading.

I look around; take a deep breath in. "Edward? Is it really you?"

I hear a small sigh of relief and then his voice again. "Yes…it is me. Are you alright?" then closer, almost as if his voice was on top of me. "Can you open your eyes please?"

I open my eyes. I thought they already were. I feel so disorientated. The memory of the beautiful blonde in a bloody t-shirt strikes me then. I look around quickly. "Edward, there was a woman-"

"I know." He cuts me off quickly. "She's gone."

"But who was she?"

He hesitated. "My…companion. Rosalie."

I blinked. Did he mean, like a wife? "A..wife?" I gulped. Dreams, don't fail me now.

He laughed softly. "No, not even anything closely resembling that."

Relief flooded through me. "I thought she was going to…uh,…chase me, I guess is what she was saying she wanted to do."

His lips curl up slightly. "I know. I couldn't-…wouldn't let her do that to you. I promise." I look into his eyes. They are so soft but yet dark, swirling with the hints of gold I saw that first day in the cemetery. I sit up now, facing him. He is crouched only a few feet from me, but watching me intently. His t-shirt is dirty.

I lean forward slowly. As I am studying his face, his perfect jaw line, the carefully contoured shape of his nose, his beautiful but deep eyes, I am realize not only is my fascination with this creature getting out of control, but_ I_ am feeling out of control. He doesn't break eye contact but instead crawls to me slowly. Trying not to appear as a predator, I assume. He gets very close to me then, I can smell his scent. He leans in towards me, as though smelling my neck. He takes a deep breath in. Suddenly, everything is falling and I recall slowly he knows what I want. Or he said he did. He must know what I want now. He is leaning towards me slowly, and I, Bella Swan, in-experienced young woman, my only claim to sex an awkward sexual experience in a drunken night my senior year of high school, know not what to expect. All I can do it open my mind and heart, try to relax and closed my eyes. I feel his lips on mine, softly at first, barely moving. I sucked in a breath. Even with his mouth on mine, I feel his jaw clenching. In want or desire, I am un-sure. I dart my tongue out quickly, and my mind is unable to register this taste. It's him. But something else. Almost a salty, desirable taste. And then I recognize the taste as I feel his tongue meet mine, fledgling deeper within my mouth, that the taste is sin.

A sudden need is taking over. Although I am unfamiliar with this needful feeling, a small part of my mind registers it must not be unlike the need animals feel to mate. I hear him suck in his breath and feel his hands, rough against my face, holding me closer. My breath hitched. Suddenly I can't get close enough. I wind my hands in his bronze tousled perfect hair. Suddenly he breaks the kiss and leans his forehead against mine, eyes tightly shut.

"I couldn't let anything….I won't let anyone come in between us," he whispered fiercely. I open my eyes and look at him, his eyes are still shut. But I get the feeling when they open I may not like what I see.

"Open your eyes, Edward," I whispered raggedly.

He opens them and there is a slight muddling of redness in the brown orbs, but nothing like before. It's almost as if a flame has been turned on somewhere in his eyes. "Please, don't stop," I lean towards him again, my mouth opened already, welcoming his taste again. He groaned and surrendered his mouth to mine. Our tongues meet again and intertwine. Suddenly his hands feel soft against my face and I feel him pressing me, lightly back down to the floor. As my head meets the hardwood floor, I gaze up at the ceiling. It's a simple popcorn ceiling, with a silver ceiling fan spinning uselessly. I count the blades and then I heard the rustle of fabric sliding over something and hitting the floor. I look at him. His shirt is gone.

"I need you." He states. Simple as that. I sucked in my breath. Afraid to speak, hell, afraid to remember what just happened a while ago, I merely nodded. Within an instant, he stood and I was scooped in his arms. He carried me lightly to another room. I was laid gently down on a soft down comforter in another room with one window, facing out towards the street. The walls were grey, plain and there was only two pieces of furniture in this room, this bed and a simple chair. I laid back and watched as he slowly crossed the room and turned the light off. Light from a simple green hued street lamp flooded the room. I could barely make out his shape as he crossed over to me. Suddenly, I was nervous. We had hesitated and therefore the growth of doubt became thick. Thick enough to ruin the mood. He sat down gingerly on the end of the bed.

"Are you alright?" he asked quietly. I nodded. Suddenly I felt the urge to talk. Pictures flooded my head of things events that had taken place in the last twenty-four hours. I sat silently, staring at the bedspread. It was completely white. I swallowed. Pictures of a stranger in my apartment, banging on the door, the feelings and visions of being turned upside down. I looked up quickly. I needed answers.

"Edward," I said softly. "What happened?" Just as I assumed, he turned his head from me. The green light making his pale skin appear eerie. His profile spoke to me.

"I came to your door at your home. There was a commotion inside. I couldn't come in until asked and then when I did-" suddenly his voice sounded choked up and I swallowed hard again. Fighting an inner battle. Did he do something bad? I couldn't remember. "There were people in your apartment. _Bad_ people. A man, he slapped you and was holding you strangely, and there was a woman, an older woman, she was ordering the man to slap you around. " His eyes furrowed deeper and he continued, his voice getting lower, almost a growl. "I could _**feel**_ how much she hated you, how she wanted you to hurt." He then looked at me, his eyes still muddled with red. "And I could _**NOT**_ let her act on those feelings. So I-" then he stopped and stood up, and walked to the window.

I sat, staring after him. Suddenly the realization hit me. "Edward." My voice was a pitch higher. "Edward, the woman, the woman who hated me….what happened to her?" Instinctually, Panic tried to set in. I didn't let it.

He turned from the window and looked at me. He walked towards me slowly, his chest and face that eerie green color, but he was still so beautiful. He stared at me intently. "You know _**what I am, **_Bella. I hope you…are not angry with me for losing control."

I stood then, up on my knees on the bed and beckoned him to come closer. "What did you do, Edward? Is she.." I licked my lips. "Is she gone?"

Head nodding. I fell back down off my legs and sat on my bottom. My eyes couldn't focus. I breathed in slowly and closed my eyes. She was gone, then. I didn't open my eyes, for fear tears would fall. Finally, I did when I felt Edwards hand's on my face. He pulled my face up to him. "Bella?"

I stared at him. "Bella…Who was the woman?" I swallowed hard. But never broke my gaze from his. I wrapped my hand around his, hoping he acknowledged this as acceptance to the news he had just informed me of.

"My mother."

XXXXX

I was in my shower then. I felt like everything was happening in slow motion. The hot water hit my body in a spray and I let it cover me. I didn't wash, didn't wash my hair, didn't use the soap, I merely stood and let the water come down. I didn't know if Edward was still here or not. After I had told him it was my mother he had killed, he merely scooped me up in his arms, and then carried me out the door and we half-walked, half-ran back to my home. When I came back in, nothing was out of place, although there was a distinct, musty smell. Very light but I could still detect it. I felt dirty and so tired. Edward had silently turned my shower on and then shoved me in the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. I undressed and climbed in, trying not to remember.

_(flashback)_

_My door was being pounded on. My heart had echoed the sound, hoping it was him at my door. When I opened the door with a big smile on my face, it fell quickly when a large man stepped through and shoved me back inside. I went flying across the floor. When I looked up, I saw the men step in and was about to scream when another figure had protruded from behind him. Mother. Oh my God. What had she done? _

"_Hello, dear," she had said. Her voice was sweet, charming. The voice she used to disguise her madness. _

"_Mother, what-" That was all I got out before I felt a kick in my side. I rolled over on my stomach, unable to breathe. The wind was gone. I felt my face getting hot as I struggled to breathe and stay calm. I knew tensing up would only make it worse. _

"_Pick her up off the floor, " my mother had said. The calming voice was not even at odds with her appearance, but to me she appeared a lunatic. "Now Bella dear, you are going to do something for me, or else my new friend, " she gestured to the psycho who had picked me up by the collar of my t-shirt as I still struggled to breathe, "Felix, will be more than happy to make you do what we need you to do. Do you understand me?" I nodded. No, I didn't understand but it seemed admitting that would get me nowhere. She slowly took off the black leather gloves she was wearing and reached into her bag. She pulled a thick envelope out and a pen. She opened the envelope. "Now you listen to me, you ungrateful little bitch, you are going to sign this beneficiary form for me. And the policy as well. We have you well insured for over 500 grand and while I'm fairly certain your life is not even worth that much, I still will need to collect what's owed to me for the trouble I've gone for you." _

_I struggled in Felix's grip. He sat me down, but then twisted my arm behind my back, forcing me to bend over. "Ugh, Ugh, "I grunted, unable to make any other sound than that which cause me pain. My mother leaned down towards my face to where I was bent. _

"_Bella? Sign the papers or he will break your arm. And then your other one. Although it will be awhile before this policy goes into effect from your, uh, accidental death, we don't intend to act on it today." _

_Unable still to speak, tears of pain and frustration rolled down my face. Felix released his hold and I fell to the floor roughly. My body was a heap. I began shaking uncontrollably. I looked up, realizing there was no way out of this situation, and even if I was within reach of a phone, I would never have enough time to call for help. I glanced down the hall towards my bedroom where I had a baseball bat under my bed. In another galaxy. I was on my stomach and looked up at my mother. She appeared 20 feet tall. She was a building. "Why?" I tried not to sound pleading, but could not make it come out another way. _

_She leaned down on her knees, designer shoes shining, smelling of rich perfume and leather. "Because," she said snidely, "You are _**not** _my daughter. I told you, you belong to no one. You are nothing. I only kept up this whole…façade to placate your father. If he hadn't of gone around fucking every wanton slut he came into contact with and producing bastard offspring children, me and my child, __**MY **__child, Victoria, would have been fine. But no. He couldn't do that could he? And then he had to end up bringing a fucking stray home, which is YOU. Who knows who your real mother is?" The she leaned forward and whispered into my ear, "I hope you are gone soon. You sicken me." _

_Suddenly, anger, red hot and boiling filled me. I gritted my teeth. This woman was psychotic, and had fucked with me for the last time. Any ounce of love I thought I had once felt for her dissipated. I felt my fingers curling into a ball. I looked at the floor once more and saw Seth and Leah's faces in my mind. I may be seeing them soon. I balanced my hands up as though to stand and as I glanced up, Renee had her faced raised, looking at Felix. My fist raised and I connected it solidly with her jaw, knocking her backwards. Her legs flew up. I stood quickly, more quickly than I realized I could and started for the door. She grunted and tried to sit up. Suddenly I felt Felix's arms around me. "Renee!" he hissed. His grip on me tightened. She got up quickly, readjusted her hair, picked up the pen and paper. _

"_Never mind, Felix. I'm sure that's been building. Don't worry, we will have our payoff soon enough. " She stared at me, never looking away. My arms were twisted in a strong hold behind my back but I struggled still. After a few seconds, I hocked up as much snot in the back of my throat as I could and spit it in her face. She smiled slowly and wiped it away with a tissue from her pocket. "Now, little orphan, you will sign these papers for me. But we just need one. More. Thing." She looked around and spotted my purse. "Yes, we need an ID." She dug through my purse and produced my driver's license. "And we will need your social security card. " She continued to dig. Not finding it, she threw the purse down in exasperation "Where is it?" _

_I gritted my teeth. "Go to hell, bitch." I responded. I felt like a caged animal. I wanted to claw and bite my way to her and then let her blood pour out all over my floor. She walked over to me. I felt Felix's arms tighten even more, if that were possible. Suddenly I was slapped smartly across the face. "I don't KNOW where it is!" I screamed. _

"_Where IS IT!" Renee screamed. _

"_I already told YOU, I don't know-" I felt Felix turn me around quickly in his embrace and slapped me hard across the face again. _

"_We can MAKE you-" He started to say, a macabre smile spreading on his face. _

"_NO!" I screamed and felt my body hit the floor. I barely lifted my head. All the hitting and kicking was making me tired and I wanted to sleep. My face hurt and as I watched the scene from the floor, suddenly I heard an angel's roar. _

"_Bella!" Edward yelled from outside my door. _

"_You bitch! You ungrateful little bitch!" Renee screamed and the lunatic was unleashed. _

_I was on my stomach again, trying to push my way up to standing. "Edward," I whimpered. "Edward, please help me-" I began to sob. Then the room turned upside down and I was jerked by my legs. I felt Felix's hands tight on my ankles and calf and I screamed in pain. I tried to grip the floor board and felt a nail split off and break off. _

"_Make her sign it__**! MAKE HER**__!" Renee yelled. She was quickly losing her cool. _

_I could see Edward in the doorway, heard the door open and hinges break. I could tell he was not entering the apartment. Oh no, he needed permission. "Edward, please-" I gasped. I was about to lose consciousness. _

"_What the __**FUCK**__?" Felix shouted, spying Edward in the doorway. _

"_What the hell are you?" Renee half-asked and half-yelled at Edward. _

_Edward began to growl. "Let. Me. Come. In."_

_I was then dropped onto the hard floor again, and before the blackness overtook me, I screamed out my last sentence to my beloved. "'COME IN! EDWARD YOU CAN COME IN!" I then tumble down into the blackness, grappling inside my head, trying to make sense of the loud footsteps and gurgling sounds I heard on the outside before I finally let go and succumbed to the darkness. _

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_**A/N Thank you to those of you who have stuck with me through this. And yes, I was trying for a lemon and FAILED miserably. I am going to give it another go in the next chapter.**_

_**So I know this chapter seemed all over the place but there is a purpose, I promise.**_

_**I would use this section to recommend but if you really want some good rec's, you need to visit my website, Twilight Sickness. www dot TwilightSickness dot webs dot com. We have a TON of fic's we recommend, including mine, there.**_

_**Thanks to SexiLexyCullen, PhoenixFan1, and Wheather79 on Twitter for constantly having my back. Going to work on the next chapter tonight. Add me on Twitter atWendyHerrington or atTwilightSicness. Please Review and Recommend. Show your girl some love!**_


	12. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

_**My first lemon. Please, be gentle with me. **_

_**(I do not own Twilight, it owns me. Rated M for a reason)**_

"_**O loneliness, O hopelessness  
To search the ends of time,  
For there is in all the world  
No greater love than mine.**_

_**Love...Still falls the rain.**_  
_**Be mine forever..."**_

"_**Love Song For A Vampire" by Annie Lennox**_

(EPOV)

I stand near Bella's bedroom window, looking out every few moments. Rain dripped sadly. I had been pacing restlessly, waiting for Bella to get out of the shower. I stopped pacing again to peer out curtain of her window. Nothing, no familiar rushing footfalls on the sidewalk near her window. I continued to pace. If I were human I would smoke. Too much worry, too much anxiety. I stood by the window once more, faithful guardian over Bella's home.

After I arrived at Bella's apartment, only to find the horrific scene of violence and mayhem happening, all resolved had snapped. I went to her home, eager to see her, smell her, and inhale her scent. When I heard the commotion outside of her door, heard the profanity seeping from mouths of humans that meant her harm, all I saw was rage. I no longer own sane intentions. I pace outside her doorway, an angry lion pacing its cage, awaiting the tamer to lift the bars so I could lunge. I won't leave. I become a solider again, at attention, waiting for her to emerge. I will protect her.

I look up quickly when I hear the turn on the knob on the door. Bella appears a soft white angel in a cloud of a towel. She's dripping wet still yet, and a cloud of steam is emerging from the bathroom. I close my eyes briefly and inhale. Her scent. Blood pulsing through her veins, her body, clean. Water, soap, warmth. I licked my lips. I could only imagine how she tastes. I feel hunger, raging through my veins, the monster that I am. I open my eyes slowly only to see small, bare white feet walking carefully towards me. Bella's hair is hanging in her face, dark strands dripping. I feel my cock begin to swell. Love, it's been so long for me. How many years? I lost count. Not only does the primal need to feed often fill me, but I feel the need to mate come about often as well. It comes at night, creeping inside me, a coiling snake dancing to its own dark music. I fought the urge to mate with Rosalie often, because she repulsed me so. But this. This in front of me, pure beauty. Darkness and light fighting. I don't answer questions. Only stare down at her, praying she feels what I feel. I need her.

She looks up at me. Eyes wide, lips trembling, but not out of fear. Oh no, not out of fear. Her small pink mouth is trembling out of pure (_desire_) need for me as well. Dark strands of wet hair caress her round white shoulders. Her skin is still wet, glistening. She stands right in front of me, places a hand on my chest. Feeling the heart I do not have. She gulps. Blood races around her throat. She bites her lower lip. She is watching me intently. Your move, her eyes scream at me. I can do nothing but look down at her and finally bring my hands up to touch her.

As soon as my hands find her tiny waist, I hold to it solidly, feeling her curves. I slide my hands up and down until the friction causes the towel she was wrapped in to fall. It floats away, off our island. It's in another world, as far as I am concerned. I have never wanted anything so badly in my life. Her white, glistening skin, the contrast of the dark hair, I need her. Her full lips part softly and she moans. "Edward," She whispers. I look down at her. "Feel me." She whispers. I can only comply. I run my hands further up and down her sides, pulling her closer to me. Up and down her back, my hands travel, and I feel her shiver slightly and a moan escapes her mouth. My need is great but I must reel it in. I want this to last. I want this_ want_ to last. I want to feel this. It feels amazing. It feels exhilarating. I realize then, with a sudden shock, it feels…._human_. Suddenly, the need fills me even more. I slide my hands down on her ass; feel her against me, tightly. I lift her up, feeling her legs around me. White swan emerging.

I rub my face against hers, skin making mad friction, our breath coming quickly. Even through the clothes I wear, I can feel the heat from her center emerging. It's been far too long. My mouth finds hers immediately and I begin to kiss, suck, and search with my tongue. I feel her breasts pushing against my shirt. I want to inhale her like smoke. She is so delicious. This will be the best meal, by far. I feel the need to lay her down somewhere, consummate this love I feel for her. "Edward," She suddenly gasps, breaking me out of my thoughts. I look at her. Eye contact. Her skin is on fire. "Make love to me," she pants, and I feel my cock grow harder, if that's possible.

"Yes, Bella." I say obediently. She is now the hawk, and I the mouse. She the hunter and I the prey. I will feed myself to her, and only her. I feel the dark coiled snake within me being to dance and unwind. It's euphoric. After so many years of feeling nothing but loneliness, and then finding this beautiful creature, I feel desire. The need, the want, so great. With Bella's creamy white legs wrapped around me, I carry her slowly to the bed, kissing her hard as I walk. I know my eyes are turning red and I do not open them. I won't ruin this. Suddenly, I need to see her. I open my eyes and her small gasps affirm I know my hunting persona has taken place. I don't care. If I'm the hunter, then let me hunt. I laid Bella down on her back on her bed. She lays before me, completely naked and vulnerable. I have never seen a human so beautiful, or so easy to kill. I gulp, my vision blurring. My instincts to mate and hunt go hand in hand. My instincts only telling me to mate with another Vampire. I cannot. I look at her layed out before me. "Spread your legs," I whisper roughly.

She whimpers but complies. I stand before her, surveying her beautiful body. She is slender, with sharp curves. A round saucy ass. Flat, concave belly. Her pussy is only a mound of dark curls, but spread out before me I can see the pink within her, pulsating. I can smell her heat in the air. Her breasts are round and taut, rising and falling with desire. She is watching me intently. I can feel her need for me, drawing me in. I pull my shirt over and let it fall. Her eyes grow wide with intrigue and then travel downwards. Without breaking eye contact I slowly unzip my pants and push them down. No underwear. With a small groan of surrender, I fall down to her. Face first in between her legs; I roughly begin to feel her with my mouth. Her gasps turn to small cries. She spreads her legs wider, arching her back as my tongue meets her center. She is hot, so so hot, and pulsing. Her need is great, as is mine. I slowly lick her up and then let my tongue travel back down slowly. I lap at her slit, spreading her folds even wider. She is grunting now. "God, oh my God," I hear. I can only continue to lick and tongue her hot, pulsing center. She is close to an orgasm, I can tell by the contractions that are about to come. I pull my face away. She whimpers at the loss.

"Not yet, my love," I whisper. "Please, not yet." She jerks her head up, eyes open wide and stares at me. I come up from my kneeling position and stand straight. A feral growl emerges from my mouth. I cannot help it. I begin to salivate. My fangs begin to descend slowly, thinking I am going in for the kill. My vision blurs slightly but I will the killer within me to stay at bay, while I make love to this fragile but precious lamb. I am the lion, wanting to kill her, taste her meat, but love her too much to allow it to happen. Growling, I lean over on top of her, and make direct eye contact. "I want you, Bella. Please let me take you." Years of experience with not trying to frighten humans are ingrained so deep within me that I cannot help but ask permission. She is struggling to sit up, her face red, hair drying, hanging in her face.

"Yes," her small gasp says. "You never had to ask."

I look at her, never breaking eye contact and lean closer in to her. I kiss her softly, my tongue probing for entrance. She opens her mouth and accepts. I massage my tongue with hers, careful to not let my fangs skim her. I raise one hand up to her waist, feel her smooth, concave waist, her ribs, and finally find her breast. I move my hand up it further; feel her struggle beneath me and then moan. She breaks the kiss to gasp. I continue kissing her mouth, sliding my mouth slowly down to her jaw line, licking and tasting every inch of her face that I can. I knead her breast softly, then harder, pinching her nipple. She gasps and jerks beneath me. I never took my time with anyone before, I had no idea I could enjoy it so much and get this type of reaction out of them. Then my lips reach her neck and I know this is my true challenge. Suddenly all I heard is her sharp intake of breath. I hesitate, only breathing a heated breath onto the pulsing vein in her neck. A hiss escapes me. **NO.** I feel her shuddering beneath me and I look down at her. Her face is aligned with mine.

"Bite me," she says simply through her beautiful pink mouth. My eyes widen. I stopped kissing her face and looked at her.

"No," I say solidly. This wasn't the time. I wanted to make love to her like any other person that wanted to consummate their relationship with their lover. I lean back down and kiss her slender white throat. "No, not yet."

I hear her groan, and I slowly begin massaging her breast again. I want to feel her from within. At first the need was carnal, immediate. Now I am taken with the need to make love to her, slowly, feel everything from front to back, start to finish. I bring my lips back down to hers and kiss her slowly, once again, probing my tongue, seeking entrance. She opens her mouth and massages her tongue with mine. "Edward," she breathes, "I want you, inside of me. Please." Her voice is urgent and needful.

I break our kiss and push her back gently, before slowly climbing completely on top of her. No quick movements, no flash of fangs, only me climbing onto my lover after a long day of drama. I need to feel myself within her. I need to love her. More. Looking deep into her eyes, I slowly bring my hand down to the top of her thigh. I slide it around to the back of her thigh, above her ass, and slowly spread her further apart. I look at her eyes, they are watering now, and the need is so great. I can feel the heat from her pussy emitting near my cock. I look down as I slowly align my cock with her center. Slowly, ever so slowly I slide into her. Her pussy is pure hot wet strength and grips my cock from within as soon as it makes contact. I growl again, and groan as I lower my face into her neck. I can still feel the blood pulsing from within her as her breath hitches. Suddenly, though her legs are spread so far apart, her back arches up even further. "Yes," she whispers. "Yes, yes, Edward, yes, my love…. Yes." She begins to chant this mantra as I pull out again and thrust in further. Her center is so hot and wet, complete love as it grips my cock. I push in and pull out again, and feel her contract around my cock every time. I can feel nothing but great pleasure, in floodgates, pouring out, causing me to push harder and I feel her hips bucking up faster. "Yes," she pants again, "Oh **GOD YES**!" Suddenly, she's quickening beneath me, hips bucking up in frenzy, and I can feel my own hips thrusting faster and harder inside her. I'm pushing her, shoving myself into her as far as possible, pushing myself to the brink. I hardly notice my fangs feeling sharper, all vision is red now, I am the hunter now, no longer half the man I wish to be. I feel myself drawing closer to the end.

Wanting to keep this experience, this moment, I move my hand slowly down between her legs, between thrusts, to her clit. I feel the hot wet lips engulf my fingers as I slowly trace a pattern. This seems to be it, I feel a small, hard bundle of nerves between these lips and I massage it gently between thrusts. Her legs go wider, and I can feel her losing control. Her breath is quick, and I feel her begin to thrash beneath me. I push into her harder, trying to remember to be gentle with fingers as I massage the small bundle of nerves. Suddenly her pussy begins to pulse, even harder than it was before, and she is crying out my name. "Edward! Yes! Please! God!" I feel her pussy clenching down on my cock, milking it all of the cum and I find myself going over an edge of pleasure so intense, I never knew it even existed. I shake my head wildly, as if saying no. I am helpless. I had only found such pleasure in feeding, feeling hot blood spurt in my mouth, feeding the monster. But this, the gates of pleasure opened and I felt myself cumming so hard I could not contain my noise. I roared loudly, the sound of violence almost and closed my eyes, feeling my fangs as sharp as ever, searching, and needing, they too wanting release. I feel venom dripping from my mouth and as I bow my head with my final thrust into my beloved, I feel her pussy milking me one last time as it contracts, and I hear her low, soft whimpering of my name, and her manta to her God. In my last ditch effort to avoid danger, I bury my face into her collarbone, only to feel my fangs meet with soft flesh, bitten deep within. I feel her body stiffen and then still, as I realize what I have done. I collapse.

XXXXX

_**Thank you to SexyLexiCullen, Ashma0407 and all my Twitter girls for encouraging me and coaching me on writing this lemon. *shudder* It took many glasses of red wine, but I did it! I love all you girls, thank you for being rock solid for me. *blows kisses***_

_**Thank you especially to JennyB0179 and Dinx219 for pre-reading, you all found so much I needed to correct; I hope it got everything right! After hearing their opinions, I am now officially shopping for a Beta. I will be hitting up the classifieds later. Music playlist for this story can be found on **__**www dot co**__**playlist**__** dot com forward slash playlist forward slash 20960748555. **_

_**I know this chapter is short but it's only because it's mainly the lemon. Edward and Bella needed this, right? They are both so mysterious, even I needed them to just connect and have sex LOL! Please read a review and recommend as well. Your reviews make me want to write more! Also, don't forget to visit my site, Twilight Sickness (twilightsickness dot webs dot com) and you can follow it on Twitter atTwilightSicness or follow me atWendyHerrington. Thank you for reading!**_


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